Fun with Facebook Friends Thursday

Posted on August 12, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in FaceBook Fun

Yep it’s that time of the week where I pull a random post straight off my facebook account and share it with you. Remember if your facebook doesn’t look like my facebook you need way cooler friends. Also I have to tell you I am pretty sure this is the longest thread I have ever had, and it was a pretty innocent status update or so I thought.

NOW NEW AND IMPROVED WITH UPDATES THAT HAPPENED AFTER I POSTED THIS BECAUSE MY FRIENDS WERE ~~SAYING THEY WOULD STAB ME~~ ~~IF I DIDN’T~~ ASKED ME NICELY TO INCLUDE IT.
EVEN THOUGH THEY COMMENTED ON THAT FB STATUS AFTER I HAD WORKED TIRELESS TO TO COMPOSE THIS EPIC AND FUNKED UP POST.

facebook status, fun with facebook friends, longest threads, shower

I usually have 3 to 6 status updates a day, who knew?

facebook friends, thursday, being peachy, ThePeachy1

I can totally feel the love..

and this concludes this weeks session of fun with facebook friends in Peachy land.

Please know I don’t edit or delete posts or comments off my wall. Also I have only actually met maybe 4 of these people in real life and am married to one of them. My on line friends and off line friends are awesome amazing, brilliant and yes obviously a bit twisted. That is why I love them like cheesecake smothered in vodka sauce served by Brendan Fraser. They make me laugh every day without fail.

PEACH OUT

THE UPDATED PART AS PER INSTRUCTIONS FROM MY ~~KIDNAPPERS~~ FRIENDS.

94 comments on a status message about a shower

yeah it's like math only less stabby

and yes this thread was from yesterday but I was ~~ordered~~ asked to update it today since they continued talking,

cool people on face book, famous people on face book

this is the last update, I am blinking in morse code to you guys, SAVE ME

…. . .-.. .–. .. .- — -… . .. -. –. .- … … .. — .. .-.. .- – . -.. -… -.– – …. . -… — .-. –. .- -. -.. ..-. — .-. -.-. . -.. – — -.. — ..- .–. -.. .- – . … .-.-.- .- .-.. … — — -.– …. ..- … -… .- -. -.. .. … …. — – .- -. -.. — -.– ..-. .-. .. . -. -.. … .-. — -.-. -.- .-.-.- .. .-.. — …- . -.– .- – …. . .–. . .- -.-. …. -.– —

The shower issues sure Brad it’s not like I haven’t had a goat in the shower before

PEACH OUT .. again

Peachy to English Dictionary-WTF Wednesday

Posted on August 11, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in It's Juicy

So I have like 30 posts just begging to be written like the quarterback begging for a happy ending at Prom. But alas, I am already wordy ( as you know), and seriously none of the topics flow. Wednesday is my only ” Free Flowing” blog day, where it doesn’t have a theme or category attached so I want to squeeze them all in. But like you and unlike the quarterback at prom I will have to wait for the other 29. Here’s the one I picked for today.

It’s a Peachy to English Dictionary of sorts. Words terms and phrases I invented or that were invented by myself or my daughter or my daddy. Or at least I thought they were, I would have to google each one to see if they are already real words. You guys know if it shows up in google it’s a real word. If you didn’t you do now, and I say so because I totally helped Al Gore invent the internet while Bill was having a “cigar” in the next room. ( yes they were loud). ( ~~most~~ part of what I just said is a lie, but I am not telling you which part.)

-TERMS-

Epic Asshattednes- Ok so I didn’t invent this even though I had thought I did, but I do rank third and fourth in it on google for a few months so I might has well have invented it.

Muffin Man– I know you all heard it when you were kids but it did not mean what I mean by it, therefore even though I didn’t event the term I invented this definition and if you don’t know what I am talking about ~~that sucks for you~~ here is a link to that information. You’re Welcome invoice is in the mail.

WereDroid – this is all my daughter, I call my husband the droid because he is very smart, and yet amazingly void of most human emotions and social interaction skills. He is hairy and so she calls him the WereDroid. The perfect combo of a hairy werewolf and a droid.

AssFaceShitard – although you may have heard of both parts of this term unless used properly and in combo like this well then you haven’t met one of these. I totally invented it.

Ambidextraphibion – A person who can go left or right while in the shower or bathtub.

Hippopotwatamus – this is when a female ( usually) is such a huge twat that you are left speechless and or so full of angry you kick teddybear hamsters like hacky sacks.

Tyrannosaurusbitch– this is exactly what it sounds like. A gianormus fossil bitch. Again with the daughter it was invented the same day I invented the Hippotwatamus during our brainstorm of new names to call people. Yeah we are that cool.

HerpaGunaSyphillCraibs – the daughter again. Explaining to her younger brother what he would catch if he bonked the little scuzzbucket he was dating. ( I am paraphrasing to clean it up a bit.) Break it down and figure out how many VD’s oh I am so sorry young people STD’s are in that word. Pure Genius.

BOB – sure you think it’s some guy that works as a greeter at walmart, but everytime I see the name Bob on someones shirt I bust out laughing. Why you ask. Because my friend KM invented it about 13 years ago. Not only is it a palindrome but more importantly it’s a acronym . Wait for it.. Battery Operated Buddy. You will never see any Bob in the same light.

StudleyDooRight– A hot sexy guy with manners and chivalry and all that “help the damsel in distress” stuff. Could be a helpful Muffin Man with morals.

DingesKhan – This is a usually a male who is such a freaking huge moron that he gets named after history that he probably doesn’t know but with a sprinkling of Dingus in there.

ClosetBabe– this is a guy or girl ( I am not judgmental about your preference) is so cute/hot/smexy/adorable/smokin that you want to take them home and chain them in your closet. Like your favorite pair of Pj’s they are right there waiting happily for you when you want them. Be careful not to confuse Muffin Men with ClosetBabes, totally different. You want the muffin man to leave, you want to chain and lick the cloestbabe. However a cloestbabe could turn into a muffin man.

PHRASES

The IQ of a _________ ( below are the common things I fill in the blank with I am sure all some, at least 1 )

Carrot, Blade of Grass, Frog shit on a log, Popsicle stick in a toilet, hamster wheel, soggy toilet paper roll, used tampon, bowl of unset jello, fetus.

The personality of a _________ ( below are the common things I fill in the blank with I am sure all some, at least 1 )

toilet tank, litter box, hippo shit, enema, piece of carbon paper, someone I would stab with a rusty spoon, poached egg, stinky sock.

That person is such a ____________( below are the common things I fill in the blank with I am sure all some, at least 1 )

lyinflatfootedguttersnake, smacktastic wench, AppleII, DickHeadimusMaximus, snorkelneedingpitypoolswimmer, rectumblister, cracketysmacketyhobag, oralfacialpedomite,

and that’s all for now. I hope this assists in your daily attempt to expand your lexicon. I have a plethora more that I may share at a later date. ( No I am not possessed, yes I know that sounded smart, I actually love language and communication, even if I often post in dialect on this here bloggy thing. )

PEACHOUT

**Disclaimer**- dozens of fingers, 100’s of people, and my last 2 brain cells were injured during the making of this post.

Tell it Tuesday- The Non Advice Column

Posted on August 10, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in Peachy Advice

*SPECIAL NOTICE* I would really like to thank my internet provider for going down last night while I was attempting to publish this post for today. But they went above and beyond their duty by staying down for 12 hours. Obviously they are super Jedi Ninjas and deserve my money. Sorry for the late posting..

Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it, I have been 3 and 4 for over 5 weeks.. So proud. So if you send in your question, which you’re totally welcome to do, to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of baby cheeses know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.

Proud to announce I am featured over on OverThinkingMama today
for her TellAllTuesday interview.

Dear Peachy,

My 13 year old did not get on the football team. This is the first year the try outs actually eliminated people. He has played since he was 7. Try outs were usually just to pick a team. My husband and I are so upset I am thinking of filing a complaint with the school board. He wasn’t ever the best player, but he wasn’t the worst all those years either. Should we get a lawyer before we go to the school board.
singed,
Ticked off and sad

Dear Ticked off and sad- are you an idiot? seriously? read what you sent me. “try out” and word “cut” came from you. Obviously your kid wasn’t the worst when they let every kid play but when it came time to select the few who were really good your kid didn’t make it. Also notice you said, “you and your husband were upset”. You didn’t mention how your kid felt. Lawyer? School Board? WTF is wrong with you. I am sure your kid is really good at something but football may not be his thing or maybe just not this year, find out what he likes and help him suceed at that. If EVERY kid does everything they want ( or their parents want) then they think they are entitled to things and deserve things. You don’t need a lawyer you need a shrink, it’s nutbag cornholios who are turning this countries future adults into spoiled precious snowflakes. If you can’t pass the grade, FAIL. If you can’t succeed at a sport, you don’t make the team. This is what teaches them that if they suck and fail they wont be a rich CEO, makes them accept reality and strive harder or learn how to drop fries for a living.
ThePeachy1

Dearest ThePeachy1:

My life is really great, I have 2 great kids, a dog, a gorgeous house and a brand new car. The downside is I have a cheating husband. He’s handsome and smart and has an great career that affords us all the wonderful things that I mentioned. He even took one of his girlfriends to a corporate function and introduced her as me, even though everyone he works with knows me and knew it wasn’t me no one confronted him, instead a couple of the other wives sent me text messages and pictures of him with her. I don’t want to give up our good life and tear the kids apart. I don’t want to go back to work and frankly I don’t care if he cheats as long as he is discreet. But now I am embarrassed because everyone at his work had it thrown in their face. I have no clue what to do.

thank you,
Embarassed Wife

Dear Embarassed Wife- Why would you be embarassed you didn’t do it, he did, and now everyone he works with knows what a shitard he is. I noticed that you pointed out all the financial gains you have from your marriage and in your own words said life is “really great” . You also point out you don’t care except you’re embarrassed because other people know. The only advice I can give you is a line from my Grandma. “Pick your bed and lie in it.” My addition to that is, and ” if you don’t like it change the sheets or get a new bed.” If you can live in that type of marriage because the pro’s far outweigh the cons then it’s your choice. You could lay out rules for him. If you can’t deal with it and start feeling a bit stabby ( like most women I know) DO NOT hire a hitman, (they will totally roll over on you), however you can take those pics and those witness statements and hire your self a really nice upper class lawyer just like you and take him to the cleaners and keep all the wonderful things you love so much. Including his nuts if your lawyer is really good. If you are really happy with your life and don’t want to change it, explain to the other wives that you allowed him to take this girl to the event because it was payback for the week you are about to spend in Jamica with that hot tight cabana boy.
ThePeachy1

Peaches;

Please help me out. I just got arrested for my 6th DUI. I am not an alcoholic. I have a great lawyer that got 4 of them dismissed to a lessor charge. The problem is I can not afford him and my parents and friends wont help me with the cost anymore. I do not want to lose my car or my license because I like to travel. My only option is a loan and I have a friend who said they will co-sign because he was out partying with me 2 of the times I got popped. But it wouldn’t let me hire the same lawyer so I don’t know if I could kick the wrap.

Traveling Man

Traveling Man- you can not say 6th DUI and not an alcoholic in the same damn sentence. You need to suck on a bottle of reality and I think jail might be your best cure. I am so pissed at your Astouding Asstardedness right now I can barely type. Pack your bags traveling man I hope your journey is long. Go to rehab go to jail, whatever just stay off the roads before you hurt somebody. Sell your car and buy a bicycle then you can only hurt yourself and some shrubbery, after you get out of jail.
The Peachy1

That’s it for today folks 3 answers to 3 emails that’s the drill. Remember if you want my non advice please send in your questions to beingpeachy@gmail.com

You might not want to write me looking for pity or a cure for your own stupidity. this is an advice column not a magic wand. I ain’t your fairy godmother.

PEACH OUT

If you are all done here why don’t you hop over and check out my interview on

OverthinkingMama