Thor bruised my Groin and my heart- Moronic Monday

Well hello there darling friends and a big juicy welcome to any new friends.  Yep it’s Monday so you know it’s time to put on your wicked heels ( optional cleats) and rocket crotch kick Monday in the Junk.  Every Monday I arm you with fodder against this evil day with the knowledge that I am indeed a Moron by sharing a story from my life.  Boy do I have a doozy for you this week.

Last Monday I fb posted and tweeted this.

“MEDIC! some beast/vermon/demon/critter has just bitten/stung/injured/violated my left bewb/breasticle …. My only hope is that it was a radio active spider/Thor/Brendan Fraiser and now I will become a (stronger) super hero”

Then via my fb and twitter friends we decided what was up.  The entire radio active spider thing has been over done and my boyfriend Brendan Fraiser would NEVER injure me, so obviously Thor gave me a boobie bite.

I had a busy week, between needing to get 17 articles/posts out that week.  The Droid’s birthday had been on Mothers day the 8th ( Sunday),  Sam-I-Am’s birthday was on Wednesday the 11th,  The Prince had super huge important 4th grade state tests Monday-Thursday that entire week, and Sam-I-Am was graduating from her University on Friday about 2.5 hours from here.  All between regular work and the other jolly duties that come with being the supreme ruler of my own little universe.

When I woke up Tuesday morning from the pain my left shoulder I had jumped to the obvious conclusion I had slept on it wrong and OUCH!  I had been up late working Monday night and fell asleep in my chair curled up with my lappy like a binky.

(If you don’t already know I have some hilarious health issues that cause me to take about 14 meds and I am the lucky recipient of some super awesome symptoms that freak out Doctors on a regular basis.  So I don’t do hospitals or emergency rooms because I laugh when they google my diagnosis in front of me and then panic.)

True to my usual routine I stayed in my pj’s and pony tail and stumbled half blind to my Captains Chair in the family room grabbed my med bag and started choking back the first round of my daily 5 med rounds.   My back was hurting and I was having a little issue getting my meds open. ” hrm  bit slow to wake up today much?”  I thought to myself.  Then I felt a little shaky got a little sweaty.   It passed but it was enough for me to notice that it was different than all my other funky junk medical stuff.

I  published 2 posts, updated my fb status, answered a few emails sent out a tweet or 2. I decided to make myself a bagel. When I went to get up, I was lightheaded, that’s not unusual for me.  Then I got this tooth ache in my back right jaw.    “Dang it, guess I better call the Dentist. ” I thought.  Then just as the sweat hit me again I remembered, oh yeah I had that jaw surgery and theres nothing there to be hurting in that area.  I was in the middle of a chat with my friend  and we were discussing about 50 different things.  Being old friends we know how we both just disappear when things pop up, so I am sure she didn’t think twice when I just bugged out in the middle of the convo when the pain in my back hit again but was accompanied with the elephant.    Yep an elephant.  You see this invisible elephant broke in my house and plunked it’s big fat butt on the center of my chest and then lifted it’s front feet, then it’s back feet.  Until I was pinned to the back of my chair by this stinking heavy elephant sitting on my chest with this jaw pain by my ear and a pain in my back.

As soon as it passed I grabbed the house phone ( because AT&T can’t make a freaking cell phone that works in my house), some clean clothes, and jumped in the shower.  My dogs followed me in and watched.  As I was drying off I noticed the lint and dirt on my bathroom floor and my dogs watching me, then this quick glimpse into the near future played out  in my head how it would go down if I went down.

I call 911-  they respond- my dogs eat them, they shoot my dogs-  they can’t figure out which room I am in- they finally find me- I am soaking wet on the floor with dirt and lint stuck to me like a huge wet dirty beached walrus, and they take pictures and put it on facebook.

This was incentive enough to make me do the following.

1- move the clothes from the washer to the dryer, feed and water the dogs

2- send an email to the Droid at work telling him I had to run to the Military base on an errand (nothing to worry about)

3- hop in my Magic Mystery Machine Mini Van and drive past 2 hospitals to get to the Military Base Hospital E.R.

I didn’t tell anyone because honestly I do have so many funky medical things that if I bothered people with all my medical stuff that would be the ONLY thing we did and that’s so boring.

I walked in and they checked me in.  Took me straight back.  The Doctor came in and rolled his eyes a bit and said, ” Since you drove yourself here, walked in, and are talking and making jokes it’s probably just a panic attack, would you like something for your nerves.”

I replied, ” the only thing on my nerves is you, so consider yourself fired and send in a Doctor at least 3 minutes older than my daughter.”

He left and the military nurse said, ”  well what he meant was as woman we put a lot of stress on ourselves and ….”

I cut her off with, ” honey just because we both have breasts please don’t lump me in a group with you, if I was a man laying here with these symptoms would you jump to the conclusion it was  anxiety?  Have I exhibited any signs of anxiety?”

She hung her head and apologized and admitted that I was pretty calm for someone with these symptoms but that my EKG looked good.  I explained that I had been put on a new med and it could just be a drug interaction or something and I simply wanted to make sure that is why I didn’t even tell anyone I was there.

5 minutes later the Dr and 4 nurses came flying in the room with a couple carts and began cutting and stabbing and jabbing and poking and stuff.  While the Dr. said something about my bloodwork showing an enzyme saying I had a heart attack.

I told them to chill out,  that they probably needed something for their nerves because the “event” as they called it, had happened already and cutting my clothes up after they had just insulted me would only result in pissing me off.

The rest of the story involves the fact that the Military apparently has an entire heart team but only 1 of them finished the last 2 weeks of school, and that guy, ” Bob ” is on vacation.  After being admitted to the Military hospital, I had to be transfered by ambulance to a Civilian hospital where their entire heart team wasn’t on vacation. I got all settled in around 11pm at night and really regret that I didn’t eat dinner Monday night or breakfast Tuesday morning prior to going to the E.R. because NPO  sucks big time.

The next day the civilian hospital tried to get my medical history and then couldn’t pronounce my other diagnosis and couldn’t comprehend how it could be related and had never even heard of 3 of my meds so they actually had the Droid bring them from home.

He also brought the laptop and I got to tweet that I was alive and I got to see some of you and your awesome #hearts4peachy and you guys rocked and I smiled and laughed and tried to answer as many emails and dm’s as I could.

At noon this cute little Italian Heart Dr. comes in and I like Italian food and was starving and he was talking about how my enzyme levels had dropped off and that means my “event” was over and I was like duh, and he said but we are going to cath your heart anyway even though it was cathed in 09 and it looked great,  we need to make sure.  I told him whatever as long as I can go see my daughter graduate on Friday it’s all good.

Except it wasn’t good. I was awake in the Cath lab, it sucked. I told them I was awake and they heard me and ignored me, they ignored me while they prepped me, they ignored me while I repeated things they said and I got louder.  They ignored me right up to the point I lifted my leg and screamed and then inappropriately grabbed the cute little Dr.  Then they knocked me out and I woke up back in my hospital room getting an extremely thorough heart ultrasound, which I don’t understand why I would need AFTER a heart cath but whatever.   This is the sign I saw when my eyes opened.

I called my daughter, Sam-I-Am, and sang her happy birthday.  I told her that on that day xnumber of years ago I had been laying in the hospital and had my guts sliced open and had her, which was much more better fun than having my groin sliced open and only being able to steal a roll of medical tape.

We got home and my Droid wrote a post for me.  Here on this blog and you guys were so sweet to him.  Stop it, or he will think that women are nice and it will wreck our marriage and I can’t afford the level of tech support he provides.

I know there is no way I will never be able to thank everyone enough for all their tweets, txts, dm’s, fb comments, well wishes, good thoughts, and posts.  But seriously,  you are all awesome, and it really does mean the world to us to know that we have the love and support of the most fantastic people in the universe caring about our little family of misfits.

I want all of you to know this.   Not for one second was I pulling a Fred Sanford grasping my chest and hollering to Elizabeth.  In fact studies over the last 5 years have shown upwards of 43% of women who have heart attacks never even have chest pain.  Women tend to have back pain, jaw pain, nausea, and chest pressure.   Sound familiar?   We can also get warning signs weeks in advance such as abnormal fatigue.  Since I love you all, and I am horrible at PSA’s all I can do is say please,  just go, it’s a better safe than sorry thing, and if it turns out to be nothing you can write a post and blame me.  Deal?

It’s pretty clear that this is all because Thor bit me on the boob last Monday and this is all just part of the process of me changing.  I am anxiously awaiting my new zip code.  Due to the new bedrest instructions I will need to hire a moving company and I can’t find any of them to give me a quote from the Gulf Coast to Asgard.

Oh yeah you probably shouldn’t take a shower, feed the dogs, send an email and then drive yourself,  because that’s the kind of things that Morons do.  Just saying.  That was pretty stupid. Now go and give this Monday a big fat Cardiac Thump for me !   You rock !

XO

PEACH OUT

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Thanks for the getwell and dedication post from everyone  so far I have seen these.

JC Little of @littleanimation   http://www.theanimatedwoman.com/2011/05/hearts4peachy.html

Absence of Alternatives of @SubWow

http://absenceofalternatives.com/2011/05/a-love-song-for-sandi.html

The ReckMonster of @ReckMonster  http://michellelcsw.blogspot.com/2011/05/quick-peachy-shout-out.html

Vicki of @VickiLikesFrogs  http://www.theglitterfrog.com/2011/05/get-well-soon-sandi.html

Holly of @MidWesternMamaH http://www.midwesternmamah.com/2011/05/for-fellow-blogger-prayers-postitive.html

I’m probably left someone out but the Droid has limited my online time due to that pesky complete bed rest order.   If you see one for me to mention or thank please let me know and again Thanks.

being peachy, bewb, Brendan Fraser wants me, bruises, epic asshattedness, good friends, groin, heart attack, heart cath, hospital, humor blog, italian dr, love, moronic monday, peachy, thepeachy1, thor, womens health