I am taking a brief moment today where I wont be making you laugh. I do realize that is the primary purpose of this blog, to ” Be Peachy”. Today I have to write a post that warrants personal attention to a person who will never read it.
If you are a friend you have no doubt constantly heard me refer to the young Prince and probably read a guest Post or my references of my about to graduate from college daughter Sam-I-Am. Many readers are oddly unaware of my other child. My Dude. He is going to be 20 this year and is the source of the only 3 part series I have written, called, ” The Hardest thing I hope I ever write.”
My Dude has lead a life of struggle, he is no angel, despite his problems and all of our efforts we could not help him. We tried our best, we failed him, but when he is ready we will try again, and again, and again, and sadly again.
He left his mark on each of our souls in this family. They say when one person has a disease the entire family is sick. Whoever the hell “they” are, that’s about the only thing “they” ever got right.
He also left his marks on our house. The written on walls, the slammed doors, the broken dishes. Silly little things really in the scope of things. When you consider how many times we have started over. House fires, floods, hurricanes. When his lows were so low and the anger beast would flow through him raging out his fists and into the walls. Nothing was safe.
The upstairs was covered with the signs of his anger.
For years the holes would multiply, weekly, monthly, eventually I learned it was silly to fix them because they would come back, bigger, and with more vengeance as if to say, ” how dare you not acknowledge me?” So we stopped. We stopped fixing the holes, we focused on simply surviving in our broken world, the best we could. We made horribly hard choices that parents shouldn’t have to make. He grew bigger, stronger, and his disease became more pronounced and him more distant.
Then 2 years ago this week what little was left of my world crashed down. My Sam I am, left for the University, she was my only daughter, my first born, my best friend, the first thing I had ever done right, and honestly my biggest confidant. I wanted her to escape the madness, to spread her wings and go, but the selfish child in me wanted my friend, my baby, my daughter to stay. It was 2 weeks before that I received a medical diagnosis in regards to myself that I kept secret for 3 weeks so she would go because she is the kind of girl who would give up her life to stay behind and help. The diagnosis was so shocking that the amount of research just to pronounce it was mind boggling not to mention how to deal with it, and adjusting our lifestyles and goals around it. But we did. A couple months later Dude, had a break down, freak out, and then he left.
I have spent 1 1/2 years of him being gone, he did come back briefly twice. It didn’t go well either time, and both times he left on bad terms. Once after a physical altercation with me. Every night I go to bed not knowing for sure where my son is. If he has eaten, if he is safe. To be frank I don’t know every night if he is alive. When my phone rings from another state or an unknown number in the middle of the night chills run up my spine and I feel like I will vomit, as I prepare for that phone call that no parent wants. Because I don’t know. I beg him to get to a Doctor. A hospital. A police Station. A shelter. Anywhere.
He’s never had a job. He’s never driven a car. He receives no welfare, no medicaid, no anything, he’s not a drain on your tax dollar, but does have mental illness and he is walking around this country. How has he survived? I have no idea. He is good looking. Very good looking. He’s also very smart, and a great con man. I love him dearly but I am not looking at the world through rose colored glasses here. I wouldn’t want anyone to cross his path because honestly I have no clue what he is capable of, he hasn’t been on meds in over a year and I can’t legally make him take any because legally he is an adult.
So for this past year and a half, when I don’t hear from him for a week or longer, and I worry, or I get a call of him just talking crazy I can sit on my stairs and run my hand over that hole in the wall and try to absorb some of his pain. Because I am his Mom. It’s my job. Kiss the bobo, make it all better right? I can’t. I have never been able to make it all better, and he goes from loving me to wanting me dead in one deep breath. So I leave the holes in the wall to remind me of his pain, to remind me of how I can’t fix him, I can’t help him. All I can do is love him. That he is real, even if he isn’t here.
Then over the last 3 weeks he was calling 10-15 times a day and full of tiger blood and all grandious like Charlie Sheen, and for some reason the stars lined up and a guy came by that did drywall and I hired him and paid him. My dad went in the hospital last Friday I spent the entire day in the emergency room until we got him admitted. I got home and at midnight I got a call from another State that my Dude had been picked up, they wanted to know about his mental health he had asked them to call me. I had to say horrible things about him, to strangers. Who think I am a mother who doesn’t love her son. What they don’t know is I love him enough to say those things so they will get him help. I hope.
In a strange twist of fate. Due to the law, I can’t find out if they have my son, if he is alive, where he is, how he is. Nothing. Tomorrow will make 6 days since I have had an update. It’s eating at me. My dad is home already thank goodness. Yet I have to go on, with work, baseball games for the Prince, The Droids birthday is on Mothers Days, then Sam I am turns 22 on the 11th and graduates on the 13th. Yet I know nothing about my Dude. I kick out jokes, posts, tweets, pictures, why isn’t my phone ringing DAMN IT !!!! I am his mother, just let me know he is ok please.
I went to the stairs today, put my hand on the wall and the drywall had been fixed. I just sat on there and felt as though I couldn’t have betrayed him more if I had tried. I’m so sorry honey. I hope one day you will understand that I love you to beyond the universe and back.
To all the parents that feel like they are failing, messing up, being judged, on the edge or losing it. You will survive. I can’t guarantee your sanity, but you will survive. Hang in there. Try to remember to smile every chance you get, honestly it helps. I promise.
I love you. Never laid eyes on you in person, only talked to you once on the phone – but still, I love you. I hope that for Mother’s Day, you hear something…and that it’s good news. But if you don’t, I know you’ll be okay. You are strong, your heart is huge, and you are surrounded by love that buoys you through the storms. <3
You didn’t fail. You did what was right, even though it tears your heart up. That’s not failing.
And I’m sorry.
Oh my gosh. I want to say I am so sorry for the turmoil in your life, but I know that you probably don’t want pity. Your strength and honesty about your son is inspiring. There are no words I can give that could possibly help in any way. But know that I will keep you and your family and your son in my thoughts.
Yes. I know …
The leavings and the comings and everything in between. This is the reason my son’s room stays in the exact state of disarray he left it in (every time he left) Its too painful to fix it.
I love you.
oh sweetie, why is life so tough sometimes? Is it to remind us that we in fact are alive? I have nothing to compare your pain to other than somehow I just understand it…maybe we are hard wired to feel what those who are close to us feel, so my heart hurts for you….somethings cannot be fixed, permanently broken, always held together by glue or tape and never to work properly. You may wish it, pray it and beg it to work, but it stays broken. hang in there love, focus on whats at hand and stay strong. <3 you
Aunt sandy. It breaks my heart to hear of these recent events. It has to be so trying to go through this. You’re not alone. Love you.
I remember when he was a little boy.
You loved him.
I remember when he got out of control.
You loved him.
I remember when he hurt you by leaving.
You loved him.
No matter how wrong his choices. How big his mistake. How deeply he tries to make it your fault.
YOU HAVE LOVED THAT BOY.
EVERY FLAW.
EVERY MOMENT.
EVERY MOMENT YOU HAD TO PROTECT OTHERS.
DONT FORGET IT.
xo
A
Also! Longest comment ever! FTW!
Sending love your way! <3 <3 <3
I wish you a happy ending.
I need to stop reading blogs at work. I’m a wreck. Tears are streaming down my face.
I’m so sorry. Just keep being strong, and hope for the best. *hugs*
This isn’t your fault, any more than it is his. You’ve done so much to understand and be patient and you still love him and want him. So many people in your position would have lost even the last bit of compassion by now. I’m so sorry you hurt, but in a way, I’m glad that you hurt. You hurt because you love him desperately. And the only thing worse than hurting for someone you love is not hurting for someone you know you are supposed to love.
I don’t know if this comment makes sense but please know that I adore you and I’m wishing love and hope and healing for you and your whole family. You all deserve it.
All we can do as a Mom is fight for our kids and love them unquestioningly. You’ve done those things his entire life.
Love ya, Peach.
you are so strong and so beautiful. your heart awes me, always. your capacity for love is just breathtaking.
and that’s how i feel, breathless, at how much hurt you have, how much love you give, how desperate you must feel. i wish i could bake you warm cookies and poor the tequila and hand over my hot red marabous. it’s time for whipped cream and diamonds, here in my heart, where i carry yours.
love you.
Failing? I only see a mom who has fought relentlessly. Regardless. In spite of. Whose love is unconditional and knows no limits.
You are an inspiration to me! To not give up, not give in to all that is hard with my own son. To see that we will survive. And to have hope that my daughter will get through this in one piece… and possibly flourish despite.
Sending a prayer that he will find safety soon and for comfort for the mother who loves him.
This must have been difficult to write to say the least. As mothers, we want the best for our kids and when we can’t fix that screw that is loose, it makes us so withdrawn. I have high hopes that he is okay and will call you soon.
You absolutely are not a failure. There are so many things that our out of our control in life, disease is one of the most frustrating.
I’m sending you nothing but love and good vibes. You’re an incredible person and mother…stay strong and do not blame yourself.
I had no idea. I am a fairly new follower via @LittleAnimation. I have only ever seen the funny in your life. My heart aches for you. I can’t even begin to imagine. The fear. The unknown. This.
Indeed, life is a journey. How I wish there were only ‘happy places’ along that road.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Shanon
I just want to say Happy Mother’s Day to one of the strongest, most loving and accepting, giving, and sacrificing Mom’s I know. I am praying really hard for you, your son and your family that he will receive the help that you wanted so desperately for him and that he will be better. I’m here for you, Sandi. I know you’re suffering and doing the damn best you can possibly do. I just know it’s going to pay off and I hope you receive some good news and have the happiest Mother’s Day ever. You’re an inspiration to so many. And you are very loved! Big huge hugs and prayers.
xoxoxo
I feel your pain, been there done that.
I had to kick my son out of the house when he was 17 because I was dying inside more and more evey day. That was and still is the hardist thing I have ever had to do.
My son is now 21 and for now has his act together.
We got him driving lessons.
He got a job.
We got him a truck.
Tough Love does work.
Be Strong
*crying*
I hurt for you.
I hurt for your family.
You don’t know me but I’m sending you love from Virginia. Lots of love. 🙂
All I can say is…hugs to you.
I adore you Peachy!!!!
Keep your chin up my friend, he will come back around.
You, Boomslang Sister, did NOT fail. You are the epitome of strength in motherhood. You also embody “unconditional love” – because you love him no matter what – and you do the hard things (to get him help) that no mother should ever have to do. You are a bad ass mother (and I mean that in the BEST way there is to mean it!!) and I love you!! X’s and O’s to you, Peachy!!
Hi- I saw a link here from Sheri R. I have a 7 year old daughter with bipolar and attachment disorder and I know a bit about what you are talking about. I cannot imagine the day I don’t know where she is or how she is, but I know that it will likely come. We get thru things day by day, or hour by hour, but at least she is here in front of me. Not knowing, it will be excruciating. I am so sorry. I hope it gets better.
I’ve gone through an amazingly similar situation. Highs/lows, love/fear, feeling like a good mom/feeling like a failure. My son’s issues didn’t start until his second year of college. I had no idea what to do, every avenue I tried to take only resulted in closed doors. You see, he was 20 years old, my hands were tied as he was an adult and had the right to choose whether or not to take meds. Since he was convinced that there was absolutely nothing wrong with him, that in fact the entire world was broken and he was fine, he obviously opted out of any pharmacological treatments. It was only when he came into my home with a loaded gun that we were able to have him admitted into a psych hospital. And as with your situation, the con artist came out in full swing. Had it not been for one doc, he would have been dismissed after 3 days with no further treatment. However, because of this one God-send, he has since been court ordered to take medication. It didn’t give me my son back, but it has taken the edge off of the anger. He has a love/hate relationship with me, mostly hate, for the most part the only time that I hear from him is when he needs cigarettes (which I refuse to buy, but he never stops trying) or at Christmas or his birthday asking for money. It breaks my heart…..I miss my son, but I have resolved myself to accepting the fact that “it is what it is.” I have tried for the last six years to find a way to blame myself, what did I miss, what did I do wrong? I’ve finally realized that I can not continue to blame myself, I’ve finally realized that the relationship that he and I once shared will most likely never be again, and I’ve realized that until he chooses to seek proper medical advise and receive the proper medication he will continue to live with the demons within. Again, as with your son, mine is not on disability, medicaid, or any other type of assistance, so the medication that he receives via the court order is not necessarily the best for him, it’s simply a “quick-fix”. I’ve finally had to say to him, unless you choose to receive the proper care for your disease I just cannot be a part of your everyday life. It is far too scary. My heart is so heavy and broken, but I have to go on for my other son, his wife, and my grandchildren. There is simply no easy answer. I sincerely hope that you are able to get some information about your son very soon, I completely understand your situation. I’m sorry for the book, I’ve never shared this story in this manner, and today just felt the need. Thank you all for your understanding and compassion.
My husband’s family is full of severe mental illness and I’m always conscious of how it might manifest itself in our kids. The mere thought terrifies me. I’m so, so sorry that you are dealing with this. I cannot imagine the pain. XOXOX
New to your blog and this story, but aching for you and yours. You sound like a woman with enormous fortitude in a craptacular (you don’t mind if I use the technical term, right?) situation. As someone who worries constantly about my special needs kiddo’s future, this socked me in the gut, but left me oddly comforted, too.
Thank you so much for sharing your son and your heartbreak with us.
Oh how my heart hurts for you. And for your son. I’ve written about my biggest fear before and that’s having a child who is missing. I may have a baby that died but I know where he is. I’m just breathless right now thinking about how much this must hurt. But you’ve loved him. You DO LOVE HIM. I pray that you get a call soon from him. Or from somebody trying to help him.
I, too, hurt for you. As Moms, we love our kids – what else can we do? We love them no. matter. what. And we want what’s best for them. Sometimes we may not LIKE them, but we will always love them. YOU did not fail. You did the best you could, and you still are. Hang in there! {hugs}
Jesus, Sandi. When you DM’d me on twitter about jumping on your crazy train, I made some flippant remark because I thought it would be something funny. It’s not funny. And I’m sorry I made a joke before I found out what this was about.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I wish I could hug you right now. You are so not a failure. You are a great mom…A GREAT MOM…who loves her son enough to do whatever it takes to help him. Even if helping him hurts him at first. It is what it is, darlin’.
Check your twitter again.
I love you, sweetheart. Stay strong. Maybe, somehow, fixing those holes in the wall will lead to fixing those holes in your soul.
I’m one of those who wondered where the dude was at.
Holding you Sandi.
I didn’t read any failure in this post…just a lot of love and hurting mom doing the best she can for her family. I’m so sorry that you are in the midst of this, so sorry your phone hasn’t rung yet. I can’t begin to understand what you are feeling, but my heart hurts for you. I pray that you hear something soon, and that you continue to have strength as you walk through this.
When I read this post my first thought was, “There but for the grace of God, go I.”
My son is 15 and he is likely on this same path. The reality that I may have to make the decisions you’ve made sits with me each and every day. I like to think I’ve prepared myself, but I know there is no way to prepare yourself for something like this.
I have no words of wisdom, but I so appreciate your courage in sharing this.
I can’t relate exactly on the same level, but do know that you’re not a failure. Most of the time the best thing to do in such situations is the most heartbreaking thing.
It wholly sucks. ♥ Praying for you, your family, & your Dude!
Dearest, I have no words. I feel ashamed of all the whining I have done in front of you. And you indulged me. You didn’t tell me to STFU even though you could have and I would have totally deserved it. Please please stop besting yourself up. You have done all that you could for him, for your family, for your other children. I cannot imagine what you must have gone through, must be going through. I’m so glad you shared this with us here. We have come to see you as a compassionate, passionate, kind, friend. You should not feel obliged to put up a happy face when you are amongst friends right? Love
Some of the first posts I ever read here were the three in your series about your older son. My heart aches for you and your family. I can’t say anything better than what the others already did, but I want to reiterate that you DEFINITELY did not fail. You didn’t. And I know that you’re a Steel Magnolia, Ouiser. I hope you get some news this weekend. xoxoxo
You know I have a stepson with Asperger’s Syndrome and Spina Bifida. Though we have not had horribly violent outbursts as you had with your son, we’ve had few where he’s bullied or hit other kids for the smallest infractions. Once, he hit a girl for cutting in front of him in the lunch line. Another, he hit my 4yr old son in the face with his block because 4yo accidently hit him in the leg with one. He shoots off at the mouth, doesn’t believe in thinking before you speak, whatever pops in his head comes out his mouth. He’ll be 15 this summer, but has the mentality of an 8yo child. We haven’t had the issues you’ve had nor have we had as much heartbreak, but just as you told me, its not a competition as to who has a harder line to tow. We all fight our own battles and deal with the outcomes in our own way. We aren’t heroes, we’re mothers. People are going to judge whether they understand or not. But the fact that you still are able to hold your head up and be a good mother to your children speaks volumes.
I do not entirely understand what you’ve had to go thru and I won’t pretend otherwise. However, I do understand what it is to love a child so much you have to let them go and make their own decisions and mistakes. Its not heroics, its the mark of a good mother. Your kids can’t ask for more than that or for better.
Sending thoughts, prayers, positive vibes, whatever you’ll take. Sending them to you and the Dude.
sending comforting thoughts and endurance to you. thank you for pouring your heart out and sharing what it is like to live with the uncertainty. I will be thinking of you.
You did NOT fail – you’ve done the absolute best you could for ALL of your children and yourself: you should be commended for that. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t know if there’s anything worse than the not knowing, the waiting… Sending love and hoping your phone rings ASAP. <3
My heart hurts for you and your son. Sending love and hugs your way.
Wow…just wow. What you endure I can’t even imagine. And to echo everyone else, you are not a failure by any means.
*hugs*
I read this post and cried. It hit very close to home.
I have two kids that are probably younger versions of your Dude. We have many holes in the walls, doors, etc. to prove it. It is a tough road for anyone.
Hang in there and hopefully you will get some encouraging news soon.
YOU DID NOT FAIL! You love him. You’ve done everything you could for him. Mental illness is not your fault.
My brother is also ill. While he is not as far gone as your son, I know my mother struggles every day with how much to hold on, and how much to let go. She recently told him that he could not move back into their house. It causes too much turmoil. Like Sam-I-Am, I left my parents’ house to escape the anger and the constant emotional turmoil.
Please, please don’t think you failed. And, I’m certain your son knows that you love him more than the world. His mental illness may cloud that knowledge sometimes, but he knows. HE KNOWS.
I have bipolar 2 with significant anxiety and psychotic features. So, in effect, I have been your son, and my mom has been you.
You need to know that he loves you. The thing about being mentally ill is that you spend all your time inside your head, completely cut off from the world. The things going on there are so vivid and overwhelming that there is no ignoring them, and you are at their mercy.
I didn’t get diagnosed until I was in my 30’s, and I put my family and myself through a lot of misery. But even when I was at the depths, I knew that they were only trying to do what was best for me.
And, just as I had no way of communicating what was going on to them, they had no way of seeing into my brain.
I have been medicated steadily for ten years now and have good relationships with my family. Please know that there is always hope.
Many many (((HUGS))) I grew up with a mom who had issues and when she took her life 12 years ago I took over the care of my half brother who suffers from issues as well. I read the pain in your voice and just want to say you are not alone. My brother since becoming an adult has been on the streets. I have had to call the cops and let them know that he could be a danger to himself and other family members and I have had to make due with occasional updates praying in between those updates that I don’t get a call saying he’s dead. My heart breaks that I couldn’t fix him after I got him when he was 8.
[…] in that portrait; we will wear matching tin foil hats, dammit.My Dude was missing for a bit and yesterday on my “humor blog,” I lost my mind. I posted about my mental breakdown. The lovelies from BB2G came flying in and offered to let me […]
I came over from BB2G, but I know you a bit from Twitter.
I’m glad you posted this. I hope it gets better… for everyone in this situation.
Wow, that was heartbreaking. What more can I say that others haven’t. You will be in my prayers and big hug for you. I put my email if you ever want to vent.
BTW I came from Overthinking Mama’s site.
I came across your post today, completely by accident. It made my heart feel just a little better. I’m so sorry for your pain. It’s been 3 years since I last saw my son, although the situation is a little different, I too hope that one day he knows I love him to beyond the universe and back.
Yes approved
Good work! Bravo
[…] 2012 – Is this living it only feels like waiting. or May 2011- Covering the scars of a failed Mom. […]