Non Advice-Tell it Tuesday

Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness”NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it. (now I rank for several other horrific things including “robin willimas man junk” and “justank beaver” I am so proud- click here and see. Yes you can sit at my table during lunch, because I love you.

So if you send in your question, which you’re totally welcome to do, to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of baby cheeses know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.

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Dear Peachy- My husband and I have 4 kids ranging from 10 years old down to 22 months.  We love them ALL dearly and try not to play favorites.  But it’s really clear my 8 year old is my favorite. The other kids call me on it and I deny it saying I love them all the same, but I don’t.  My husband picks on me calling me “a bad mommy”  because he knows how I feel. I LOVE all of my kids, but my 8 year old is just my favorite.  Is that bad?  What should I do?  Will the other kids be affected by this?   I feel horrible.  help-  “Playing Favorites”

Dear Playing Favorites- First you’re not a bad mom because you worry about this, only good mom’s actually worry about  screwing their kids up for life because they didn’t get the purple socks or the guinea pig.  Second, I hope your husband only picks on you when you are alone, when the kids can’t hear it. Why don’t you talk to him about it, and let him know that the joking worries you.  As far as the kids.  In every family with more than 1 kid there will be other kids feeling like the “red headed step children” . ( ahem, as in ME).   Are you messing them up?  DUH. Kids are born perfect and we spend 18 years making them run the screwed up  parent gauntlet of our own imperfections and parenting fails.  You just do the best you can and avoid intentionally hurting their psyche. If you are not outwardly  and blatantly favoring 1 over the other, as in,  Suzy get’s whatever she wants, lesson, dance, unicorns, and her favorite pizza while the rest of us share a skanky mattress in the garage only allowed out for child labor.  Then chances are there is not a damn thing you can do to change their perspectives.  Even though it’s near impossible with 4 kids, that you make an equally big deal of out their success and failures as the other siblings.    In the end if you are raising solid kids into solid loved adulthood, there is nothing wrong with a little competition.  Everyone DOES NOT deserve a trophy.  Bad mother?  nah, I was a bad mom, I would tell each of my kids THEY WERE MY FAVORITE, get them ice cream alone with me, tell them why and then make them swear under penalty of Monkey Poop for dinner that they would NEVER tell the others or I would say they were lying and pick a new favorite.  That’s a bad mom.  xo  ThePeachy1

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Hi Peaches- I don’t see very many questions from men featured on here,  so lets see if I make the cut.  The problem is I married my 1st girlfriend my high school sweetheart when we were 18.  Due to medical issues we never had children.  After 12 years of marriage my world was turned upside down when I lost her in a car accident 6 years ago.  For the last 4 years everyone has urged me to get back into dating.  About 5 months ago  I decided I felt ready to at least dip a toe in the water.  It has been such a dismal failure.  I have pick up lines from the 80’s and I have no clue what I am doing in the dating pool.  I tried local bars,  hook ups from friends and even online matching.   No one will replace my wife, but I do feel there is room in my new life to find someone that enjoy being around and spending time with.   I can’t write a bio/profile that doesn’t make me sound like an ax murdering psycho who just wants to get laid, when that’s the farthest thing from the truth. I don’t want to play the pity route and throw around the widower word.   Can you help me write a personal ad?  Or should I steer clear of the computer and just keep trolling clubs and bars, where I feel 900 years old and desperate.  from “Sinking in the Dating Pool”

Dear Sinking in the Dating Pool-  First since you sent this before Thanksgiving, you may not need this crappy non advice now, but in case you do here we go.  OK my man, yes I can totally help you write a want ad, in fact I answered your email and asked you some questions so I can help you create a freaking AWESOME dipped in Godiva chocolate then rolled in awesome glitter sprinkles bio/profile.   I will pimp you so hard Snoop Dog will be calling you for swagger tips.  You are right that no one will ever “replace” your wife.  Also every person grieves in their own individual  way and if you need 6 months or 60 years that’s your call and no one gets to judge you for that,  it sounds like you have waited until YOU were ready, which is bonus point 1.  What I am about to say is about as impossible to do as nailing jello to a tree and I understand that, but,  you will  need to NOT compare every person you meet to her.   Even though so many hook ups/relationships/disasters  start in a bar, and that’s the go to place for singles it’s kind of like trying to find a Jaguar at the Dollar Store.   Sometimes there’s one in the parking lot,  but you don’t check the parking lot so most of the time you just send up spending money on junk.  Online hook up services seriously vary in both the logic/methods behind the matches and the “quality” of the “stock”.   Just remember they may be a great person that is nervously trying to describe themselves. Their wants and don’t have the luxury of a Peach on staff to guide them through the adventure.   Best of Luck keep us updated !  xoxo ThePeachy1

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Dear The Peachy 1-  I seriously need your help.  I LOVE westerns,  grew up on on John Wayne, the Lone Ranger,  Bonanza, and Tombstone.   I also love Aliens, as in “The” Alien,  Signs, MIB, and Independence day.  Then I saw the commercial for Cowboys and Aliens.  So should I catch it in the Theaters or wait for DVD/Netflix?   signed Little Joe Ripley

Dear Little Joe Ripley,  this is not a new concept,  take something that’s HOT then meld it with  a little cowboy to come up with what I like to call,  ” Broke Brain Ant Mound” or Cowboy Shit Stew.   Back to the Future tried it with III.  FAIL,   a kick butt TV series turned Modern Gadget Movie with HUGE never fail  Will Smith, “Wild Wild West”  utter suck fest.  I respect your love for Westerns and Cowboys.  As a Sci Fi freak I adore your Love for Aliens.   I saw the commercial you are talking about during the super bowl.  I hereby deem that to be an abomination against man and beast.  Let me tell you why.  I love my kid,  I also love Vodka.   Just like that movie those things do not go together.    However I am positive that movie was written by a kid on vodka. ( crack/antifreeze).  Just go ahead and mail me the $50.00 you would spent seeing this in a theater, and then put a nail gun up to your face and pull the trigger.  That will very closely replicate the same  setting as if you were to have viewed this highly lacking piece of crap movie  but without the nasty side effects of diarrhea,  vomiting and repetitive face palming.  xo ThePeachy1

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XO

PEACH OUT