Hello my dear friends today is the day that a lot of us go forth in epic battle against our common foe. Monday. Monday sucks so bad even the calendar says “WTF” after a Monday.
As a BeingPeachy tradition I share a story from my past that points out just how big of an asshat one person can be. Particularly me. I throw any remanents of pride under the bus like a mobster trying to make a plea deal. Since this Moronic Monday thing has been going on for a while it’s pretty clear I have only the residue of pride left.
But there is a point to all my self deprecating humor, it is to make you smile and get you through your Monday battle with the hopes that you can be a little less of a Moron than I always am have been.
The setting: my house, well over a decade ago.
The issue: I had to wear pantyhose to work every day even in the sweltering heat. That weekend I had been on this mad hiking trip in 3782 degree weather with 700% humidity. I think I wore jorts because it was the 90’s and I was that cool. To finish off my trilogy of terror the next day I went to a 50 acre water park and proudly sloshed my wet shorts over my bathing suit wearing sexy self over every inch of that hell pit.
As all most of you ladies who experience insane heat know there are 3 deadly things to avoid in extreme heat.
1-Long walks/hiking in the heat in jorts ( thigh length jean shorts).
2-Short walks in extreme heat wearing panty hose.
3- Wet shorts over your bathing suit at a huge water park after doing 1 or 2.
So you get the picture. If you don’t here is a visual aid. My thighs had less skin on them than your knuckles after a cheese grater incident.
Thank you Walt Disney for lending me tinks butt as a visual aid.
Yes even the fold where your butt cheeks meets your thighs was red and skinless. (if you know not which fold I speak of, you’re young show your but off while you can, soon you will be able to hold a pencil there). I know hot right? You think I’m sexy, you want to kiss me.
I tried everything and let me tell you people soaking in a tub is like sitting in boric acid, not really a brilliant idea when you are in the chaffed thighs and butt hall of fame.
So I sat around the house in a sun dress going commando cause that’s my privilege plus the idea of fabric even possibly touching my thighs made me scream in an octave high enough to break glass.
After about the 30th ibuprofen chugged down with medicinal vodka. I went to the cupboard like old Mother Hubbard to dig for some type of glorious topical relief.
Then I saw THIS and I heard Angels singing.
I only saw the parts I underlined. Quick Fix - Relief . blah help. Angels singing
I had never used this product and had no idea how it ended up in my cabinet. Clearly it was divine intervention. or I bought it when my kids had poison ivy/sumac/oak.
So I grabbed the tube of angelic cream that promised a quick fix, fast relief and all that jazz. probably because my judgement was impaired due to alcohol and or pain.
I slathered up my thighs and butt like I was putting on SPF Eleventy Kabillion for my trip to the surface of the sun.
Confident in my new found angelic cure I walked into the living room and flopped my sun dress wearing commando butt on the couch. The events that followed will be reenacted with interpretative dance since I am pretty sure I either blocked it out or blacked out not sure.
Important information aka the beginning of the end..
This seems like a good time for an important PSA
Sensitive girly parts + RAGING FIRE CREAM OF DEATH = FIRE CROTCH
I call this one the flaming crotch of death.
In the midst of the medicinal scalding of my lovely lady hump. I thought fast and headed for the bathroom to rinse of my milkshake and stop the pain. I was so graceful and lady like I heard it looked like a ballet.
I realize that looks like a squid shot out of my crotch, but it's interpretative dance people, those are flames
This ends the interpretive dance section of this post. ( mostly because I suck at it ).
The truth is. If you ever had a dog, or been at someones house with a dog, or seen a dog in a park or a neighbors yard. You already know what I looked like.
All reports say this is a more accurate depiction of my movements
and I screamed .. ” E ! E! E!” all the way home to the bathtub, where I flipped myself over the edge of the tub like a walrus and put my hoo hah as close to the ice cold running water as possible for a few hours minutes.
There ya have it guys, do NOT chemically scald your cooter today and there’s a good chance your Monday will be better than mine. My name is ThePeachy1 and I suffer from Epic Asshattedness.
PEACH OUT !
** DISCLAIMER** 2 thighs and 1 Vaj were critically injured during in the making of this post. However they have recovered nicely since it was about a decade ago. They are still in therapy working out their hatred for me.
**ANOTHER DISCLAIMER** this is not a sponsored post, a review or anything other than a story of me being a twit. Obviously who would pay for advertising like that?”
Omg girl.. you had me laughing so hard.. and to make you feel better, I can tell you.. Ive done this to myself and yeah… that bitch shuts down for you after that.
yeah it was pretty harsh. In fact I am sure my lil muff has PSD about the entire thing, when I see a gold box she hides.
OMG I am laughing so hard I am crying, this is too damn funny NOT to share, will be retweeting Holly’s tweet about it! And I’m subscribing to all future blogs, you rock!
I will say I laughed almost as hard reading this as the first time… to all: THIS IS A TRUE STORY….. The photo of the dogs actions above….is a HIGHLY ACCURATE depiction of actual events…
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Marti, ThePeachy1. ThePeachy1 said: Today's Post- Fire Crotch. on Moronic Monday- how I almost burned my cooter off aka I have no pride left. aka PSA http://bit.ly/bc24NF […]
Hmmm, I pulled a groin muscle once, which I thought at the time was the epitome of pain, but then I, too, made a marvelous (not) discovery in the bathroom cabinet. Icy Hot! Yes. Yes, I thought it would be a good idea to slather Icy Hot on the inside of my thigh, so dangerously close to my lady bits. It took only seconds for me to learn the true meaning of pain. FYI, if you get Icy Hot on your hoohah, the only Icy is the bowl of ice water you end up sitting in because the water in the tub doesn’t run cold enough.
Nice! I had a fire crotch of my own once, aside from the occasional STD (you know what I’m talking about). The first year we had our new house in Florida I was working in the yard and sat down on the lawn to do something (maybe put some edging in) and I sat on a nest of fire ants. Very, very unpleasant. Luckily, the bites stopped just short of the good stuff.
Also, luckily, crack whores don’t flinch too much at a crotch riddled with oozing pustules, as they have plenty of oozing pustules of their own.
Too bad we didn’t live in Gainesville at the same time, we could have compared crotches like Mel Gibson and Rene Russo compared scars in LW3.
often.. ok always.. you scare me Brad
The product you needed (and should remember for other’s future needs) is called BodyGlide. It seriously works in such scenarios.
The interpretive dance pic is Monday awesomeness!
Glad you like I am formally trained in absolutely no forms of dance, music or common sense, consider me a “savant”
Would you PLEASE make another PSA stating something to the effect of:
PLEASE EMPTY BLADDER BEFORE PROCEEDING!
Failure to do so will result in laughing so hard you pee yourself!
And post it in the top left hand corner of all your pages!
OMG you just kill me!!
Off to the shower now, thanks girlfriend!
Do you realize how honored I am that you had to take a shower after reading my post. That ranks up there with the lawsuits for people spitting their drinks on their laptops and them wanting me to repair them. Hell 2 the yeah.. Maybe depends can sponsor me and I can have a huge depends giveaway.. Or I could just keep people like you around to make me fell awesome.
LMAO… I still have a visual of you scooting your arse up to the magical fountain of soothing coolness because yeah… you’re that cool! LMAO
Here’s one for ya! It was about 14 yrs ago just before having back surgery when I was soooo messed up with my back it took me over 2.5 hrs to get to a standing position and walking after getting out of my oh so lovely couch bed – because it was closest to the ground without making my legs dangle from the bed and thereby pulling on my lumbar. My buddy was down from up state and I hadn’t seen him in quite a while. I was doped up on 1500 mg of Vicodine (under doctors supervision) and he wanted me to go to town with him for a short ride. Like an idiot… ehem .. I mean friends first kind of guy I am I went and carefully took the entire 5 min to get into the front seat of his S-10 pickup and carefully eased the door shut careful not to let the arch of my back sag into his bucket seats. He hit the road like a maniac grabbing gears trying to make the tires bark trying to impress me with the power in the little 4.3 liter Vortec Motor with his new shift kit installed in his transmission. It told him if he does it one more time he’s going to need a doctor to get that shifter out of his arse! lol Well I was almost to tears at that point when he noticed that I was not kidding about the pain. He drove like ‘ol granny after that and we made it to where? yeah.. the Mall. Just where I needed to be trying to walk around in pain and on Vicodine higher than a kite!!! 1st things 1st! I had to make a B-line for the bathroom in Hudson’s as soon as we arrived. I went in and found a stall in the middle. Yes it was taking a while because for those that don’t know, Vicodine is a great way to harden a stool and not the one you’re sitting on! lol In the middle of all this I had the bathroom all to myself when all of a sudden the door opened and I hear shopping bags being sat on the counter top at the row of sinks straight out in front of the stall. About that time I noticed that the voices sounded like woman. Lots of them! I spied through the cracks of the door to the middle stall I was in and sure enough there were about 5 of them at the mirror primping and talking while a couple more landed a stall on both sides of yours truly. I realized while on my happy pills that I should have made a left turn at Albacoykee. lol Yep! You guessed it! I was in the middle of the ladies bathroom and upon that realization I finally passed! My Stool that is. lol With a thunderous sound and water splashing up to surprise me even more (very cold) it made me flinch and at that moment I let out a sort of manly sound of pain and discomfort grunt! The bathroom grew a little bit quieter so I drew my feet in closer to the stool and lifted them as much as my back would stand without passing out from the pain. Moments later the crowd left as fast as they came. By that time my legs were asleep and tingling so I fumbled around hurriedly and got out of that stall and opened that bathroom door to leave Quickly, Quietly and without notice! Imagine my surprise when I opened the door and took one step out the door when a lady was at the changing table directly in front of me with her baby. She looked at me and said “Hi,” looked back down and then right back up at me with the realization and said “Where you in there that whole time???” I turned real red and said in a desperate whisper “YES! I didn’t know I went into the wrong bathroom, but when I realized it was too late! I thought they would never leave. My legs are still a sleep!” She then Burst out into Laughter and I quickly made my way out of there where I found my buddy waiting out in the main isle of the clothing store. I told him “MOVE!” He asked what the problem was and I said “Move and I’ll tell you on our way out of here!!!”
Of course he fell out laughing and said “I wondered what was taking you so long! I was about to come in and check! You were in there for over 40 minutes!” lol I said “and you didn’t find that ODD???” You women spend entirely waaaay to much time in the bathrooms and talk about some off the wall stuff. lol There ya Have it. An embarrassing moment, but funny when I remember it. lol
I have figured out who wrote this comment, and I want you to know something. YOU ARE SUCH A DORK. don’t even try to blame the vicodin dude.. hahahahhahaha this kind of stuff makes me wonder if we are siblings in stead of friends.
OMG!!! I hate that!! In 4-H there was a water fight on the last day of the fair and yea after that walking around all day in jean shorts. yuck. so painful. Wincing just thinking about it
it seems most people have a fire crotch story. I really should have wrote this 13 years ago in hopes of preserving hoo haa safety but then you guys wouldn’t have seen it then so I really couldn’t have helped anyone. never mind. wet jorts are the devil.
I did that but with the Irish Spring “intensify” or something body soap. THAT HURTS
DO NOT WANT
LOL @ ThePeachy1
Hey Sis!!! Ya found me out! Lol
omg, that is so hilarious!!!
but… all gold boxes arent bad aunt Sandi, but your married so that gold box isnt necessary. 🙂
sadly but thankfully I know not of which you are referring.. I can only assume that you are speaking of a truffle. I like truffles and some could come in a gold box and that would not be bad, I would also not put a truffle on my thighs and butt, although they would end up there
Hahahahaha sorry to laugh poor girl but the squid coming outta booty got me!
It is really not funny because i know a feeling very close maybe even worse. As a teen i was doing my nails on the bed and was holding the nail polish remover between my knees.
Well it spilled and i was wearing a night gown..Fire Crotch totally!!
I only use the remover that you stick your finger in and swirl around now…17 years later;)
Glad you healed!!!!
[…] Crystal: Hahahahaha sorry to laugh poor girl but the squid… » […]