Dear Service Providers of the Universe,

I have compiled a list of things to help you out with that all elusive things called common sense.  I am super nice like that..

1– please do not have a recording tell me repeatedly that I can do everything on your awesome website, I am familiar with the concept of the internet, I am also quite familiar with that broken down shit you call a website. Your systems are jacked up, the only time your systems ever work is when it’s a new customer, it’s as if you have a cookie for anyone that has ever been to your crappy site that makes darn sure once they purchase something it will never work for them again. Also if you are my internet provider and you refer me to your website and my internet is not working, chances are I can’t see your damn website because the internet service you provide sucks nearly as much as your website.

2– Your HR department needs a few basic pointers. When hiring people to answer phones and verbally interact with other humans beings and more precisely human beings in the united states speaking English without use of hand gestures should be one of your goals. I can not see the person on the other end of the phone who is probably making hand gestures to help his pigeon English, in addition I can’t draw him a picture to help him understand my situation. Maybe your interviews for these positions should be done VIA PHONE that would give you a taste of what we get when we call.

3– Chain of Command- when the first human voice that speaks to me does not provide me with adequate service and I request a supervisor, and they in turn tell me they ARE the supervisor. I know they are lying. Even if they happen to be supervising that particular phone, I am quite sure they didn’t hire themselves, they don’t hold meetings with themselves and don’t write their own paychecks. When I ask for their supervisor and they say they are THE supervisor I will assume their last name is indeed the Company name and I will refer to them as Mr ATT or Mrs Direct TV or Miss Verizon, if they hang up, I will continue to call back asking for them, because honestly when I reach this point, I have nothing better to do and I have a penchant for being over focused once I am pissed off.

4– I take notes. After I have waited and listened to 2 hours of your recordings pushing buttons and trying to talk like a robot. When an actual human comes on the line, and says their name I write it down,  along with anything that person says. I know it’s a crazy habit of mine, but it allows me to call you back the next month and quote the entire conversation and facts verbatim. I understand that your computer version of my account shows that I called on the same date as I am saying but contains no notes that is what we call in the real world, “YOUR PROBLEM”. At this point I did your job, I have a record of it, and that’s what we will be using since YOUR people failed to do their dismal depressing job.

5– Company Morale- Maybe you should search their coffin of a cubicle and remove any distractions and sharp objects. I know if I worked with you guys I wouldn’t last long with out wanting to off myself via a sharpie to the eyeball. They always sound as if I interrupted them from googling “how to make your own hangman’s noose” when they get on line. If I am not mistaken, their job is to answer the phone and talk to the customer, could you possibly remind them of that, maybe an illustration would help, keep it simple use smiley faces and bright colors it could help.

6- Authorized person- like many marriages in this country, I handle a lot of things regarding our home and family. When I call you, and go through the process of pushing buttons for an hour to weed my way through your labyrinth of options and verification, provide every single detail, account number, name, age, dob, social security number, address, email, pin number, bra size, location of birth marks, name of the first pet, crush and car, the paternal great grandfathers second wife  maiden name, and finally reach a human. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND COUNTRY do NOT tell me I am not authorized on the account. If you do, I will have my husband call you and say, ” why are you billing me???? I never signed up for this service?? I have no clue who Sandi is?? That person is not authorized to put service in my name??? because at this point, I will harass him until he will do that,. see the last sentence of item #3

xoxo

PEACH OUT

cc:  ATT, Verizon, Direct TV, Dish TV, Cable One, GTE, Wells Fargo,  and every bank and power company I have ever dealt with.  I encourage readers to go ahead and forward this to the service provider of their choice that might need this valuable information.