Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it. )(now I rank for several other horrific things including “robin willimas man junk” and “justank beaver” I am so proud- click here and see.
So if you send in your question, which your totally welcome to do, to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of Spice on a Bike know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.
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Dear Peaches- I have 3 kids and now that summer is here, I am convinced they are the possessed. I haven’t slept passed 6am one single day. They fight like cats and dogs over anything including air. They have ruined the carpet, cut the couch, and drawn on the walls. I am about to have an out of body experience. My husband is over seas for 3 more months. I don’t know anyone here and our family is too far away and honestly our kids are too much of a handful for our parents. HELP
signed,
Unhinged Mom
Dear Unhinged Mom- First we have to woosaba you. Right now you are the one about to be voted off of survivor island because even though they are fighting they have an alliance against you. I sent you my 3 phase turn around plan and my contact info so you could vent, scream anytime you need to, hats off to you, the hubs and the kids for what you are doing. Now on to the crappy advice. I suggest you get each of the kids an animal spirit guide. Like a Unicorn, a Pikachu and a pterodactyl sure they will be hard to find, but in the end, the animal spirit guides can fight it out ( OUT SIDE only). Other than that, write a note saying, ” I think these kids are possessed, when you have removed all demons please return to _________” and drop them off at a catholic church night drop. I think they have a possessed box, like red box has for movies or enterprise has for key drop. xo Peach out
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Dearest PeachyOne
My dog is my best bud, he’s a big bread and we have a great routine to keep him healthy and active. But with the extreme heat I am seriously worried. I know that for hundreds of years dogs lived out in the elements. I know you have 2 dogs what are your thoughts and some hints for my Buddy, whose name is Rex?
Thanks,
Rex’s Buddy
Dear Rex’s Buddy- So glad you have thought of Rex, yes I have 2 big dogs, and 1 evil cat, all 3 were brought here by my daughter and left here when she went to college. ( awesome). Anyway. WE ALL KNOW not to leave our pets in a car even with the windows cracked even for 5 minutes. Dogs can’t sweat that is why they pant. They suffer brain damage and heat stroke, it’s horrible and it happens fast. They have portable water bowls, cooler collars, automatic dog fountains that hook to your hose, and one of my favorite things to do is bury a baby pool and then place large rocks around the side so they can cool off, . I don’t use the black actual landscaper water feature ponds because using black makes them hot. Remember if the ground/concrete is too hot for the palm of your hand, it’s too hot for their pads on their feet. Here’s a pet expect sharing Summer Pet tips !
Hot Dog! Products to Protect Your Pooch From Summer Heat – ABC News.
xo Peach out
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Dear ThePeachy1
We are the only house in our neighborhood with a pool. We have lived here 3 years now. During the school year, my kids don’t have any company, get invited to any birthday parties, or events. In fact my kids have never been invited to anyone’s house to play in 3 years. But the second school gets out, they become popular, not just with the kids in the neighborhood but with whoever is spending the night with the kids in the neighborhood. This puts me on constant lifeguard duty. I have already went through 6 tubes of sunscreen and wash 20 towels a day. I wont go into the massive food and drinks that I keep providing. It’s quite costly. Not to mention I am tied to the house and I feel like a free daycare. I would mind as much if I thought any of these kids actually liked my children, but with this being the third year of this cycle I am sad to say that some of the kids that were here did not even know my childrens names. One day my daughter was up in her room all day and no one asked about her the entire time. You can’t make people like you, you don’t buy friends, so it is what it is. But how do I handle this with the least fall out on my kids, or at least get some compensation for being the community activity and lunch center. HELP- Babysitting Baywatch
Dear Babysitting Baywatch- I wrote you a long letter first so here we can just throw out a couple things. Buy a bunch of trained koi, and have them fitted with mini tazers on their heads so they can taze the children that are not yours.. Or get a pet manatee and tell people that you are a witch and the last kid that swam there that wasn’t your kids friend got a spell cast on them. I would do both, but that’s just me. xo Peach Out.
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That’s it folks, 3 horrible non advice answers to 3 valid questions, I still have no idea why you guys write to me but I love you for it, and will always try to answer ya!