As the world is out there battling the face of prime evil which is “MONDAY” I try to share some of my epic asshattedness under the guise of my regular feature “Moronic Monday” so that you can feel better about yourself.
So I was 21 and had this sweet little gig I mentioned before I was the OFFICE MANAGER for Fire and Life Safety in my little town. Pretty good gig. I had a huge office with a TV a desk some chairs. Not a lot of traffic and the 3 guys whose that were in the office I “managed” ( haha) had perfected the Government way of being invisible. So unless I had a tour, or an appointment to speak, or there was an arson under investigation, or the FBI was there I had the place to myself.
I always dressed the 9 to 5 part literally. Heels skirt and blouse, hair done, and oh yeah always carrying files even if you go the vending machine this way you look like your working and have a way out of a boring conversation with co-workers from other offices. You can say, ” Can I catch you later I have to get these files to Witch Mountain” or where ever you wanted to say. That’s my helpful hint to all kids entering the workforce, always carry files. Your welcome
To say my job was boring would be a HUGE understatement. This was the ultimate in bi-polar jobs, you either sat alone in total silence behind a closed door or you were teaching 300+ kids or you were in an actual meeting with important people whose titles were always initials, trying to figure out something that could change their lives for EVER. You went from narcoleptic drool to bleeding ulcers day to day.
This one particular day I had an empty calendar, nothing was going on. I had my stash of tabloids to skim through. We didn’t have that internet thing yet because NO ONE on the planet had heard of it except the military and university’s. So I had my rag mags, and my boom box( complete with mix tapes), I had my Diet Mt Dew and threw my legs up on the desk carefully leaned my rolling chair back so I could recline, and lit my cigarette. See you could smoke in Government offices back then, and more than one desk had a bottle of booze in it too.
Imagine the shock when the office door flings open and it’s the MAYOR. In case you didn’t hear me the MAYOR. With a freaking NEWS CREW. I opened my mouth to talk and my cig fell on my boobs to which I jumped to which the chair flipped over to which my legs went in the air facing said MAYOR and NEWS CREW and they got a nice shot of my Tuesday panties. Of course I also kicked over my Mt Dew so it could spill into the 1 computer in the office that I had fought to get into the budget.
The Mayor smiled and shook his head at the same time and closed the door leaving me there to lie in my burned boob panties showing wet Mt Dew ankle pool of utter friggin humiliation.
Now with that being said, it surely seems like this Mayor would have learned his lesson about me being the one to bring the News Crews to see. However he did not, there is another story that I will not be sharing today. I have to wait for the statue of limitations to pass.
Oh yeah and in case your wondering it was a FREAKING THURSDAY. Tuesday panties NOT COOL. Also probably not cool for a 21 year old to be wearing days of the week panties, or burning your boobs off. Not sure.
So there ya go. Hope your Monday is a little bit better than mine and you don’t pour Mt Dew in your computer, burn your boobs and show your panties to a news crew. Rock on Monday Jedi’s.