My Non Advice column on Tell it Tuesday

Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it. (now I rank for several other horrific things including “robin willimas man junk” and “justank beaver” I am so proud- click here and see. Yes you can sit at my table during lunch, because I love you.

So if you send in your question, which you’re totally welcome to do, to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of baby cheeses know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.

Dear Peachy,   I have been in what could be called the dating dead pool. Nothing for so long, and now this guy I have liked for a long time and I are “hooking” up.   I could careless about a relationship I need a good booty call.  Do you have any surefire  ways I can make sure I get laid on the fist date?

signed,

Give it to me Baby

Dear Give it to me Baby, OH, OH, OH!  I know the answer.  Show up. Yep, that’s all you have to do to get laid.  It’s our reward for menstrual cycles and having to wear bras. If  you are worried he is shy and wont go all the way, wear grannie panties and fail to shave your legs. That always works,  if you have access to a nursing bra  you can wear that for an additional guarantee he would want sexy time.  If he seems like a douche player and acting too good for you or some insane shit.  Simply say, ” I would do you but all the guys I sleep with cry and I am so over you guys, thinking about pinch hitting.  Be careful, the use of all of the above techniques could result in a marriage proposal.  xoxo ThePeachy1

photo credit to filehurricane.com

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Peachy, Help me.  My in laws came to visit us for the Holidays and due to my FIL slipping and twisting his ankle THE DAY THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE. They stayed a couple extra days, then the weather hit.  I am trapped in my own house with them 24/7.  My husband “fake” went to work today and left me hear with them and they know I am a housewife.  They wont leave. Save me.

Stabin Cabin Fever

Dear Stabin Cabin Fever-  I would so beat the dog snot out of your husband, and then I would stage this entire ” event ”  in front of his parents.  OMG the strip club called baby, I have been chosen as the Mrs(insert your state) sluttiest stripper 2011 and I have to leave for the nationals in Hawaii, I am so excited and so proud of how you convinced me to do this !  I had  to buy my ticket today.  Don’t worry about the money you know the kind of tips I get.  If I win this baby you can stay home and be the house husband you always wanted to be.  Maybe your MOTHER  can stay here and keep you company while I get naked in Hawaii for 2 weeks?    xoxo ThePeachy1

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Lovely Peaches I know usually chicks write to you but I have a serious issue and I turn to you for your wisdom and guidance as the google declared ruler of all that is good.  In 4 months it  will be my 3 year anniversary.  I have the bestest loveliest most genius wife on the planet.  I botched the entire proposal thing by bringing it up in general conversation. I botched the wedding due to the fact I was so buried under student loans we couldn’t afford more than a small  ceremony at the Court House.  I botched the first anniversary by not checking on the reservations I had made and ended up taking her to IHOP.  I botched the second one when I had to work out of town but that deal got me a major promotion and now even though money is tight I can do something big for her.  The Problem is. I have no clue what to do.  Help.

Thanks,

Trying to over come my blotches

Dear Trying to over come my blotches-  First. Dude, 2 fist bumps and booty shake.  You rock!  The fact that you are actually thinking 4 months down the road to your anniversary?   You sound awesome and I am sure she is very appreciative of all the you do for each other no matter how big or small.  I wont bother listing all the cliche’ things you could do, roses, limo, dinner, engraved jewelry, 5 star hotel, male stripper,  blah blah.  You know all those things and wouldn’t come here for that generic stuff.  So I say go big or go home.  I think you wife would really like a tropical island.  I also think she would love a great friend like me to live on that tropical island with her.  I will cut you a deal due to the fact I am actually on Holiday clearance right now.  Not in your budget yet?  Check out layaway, they are totally bringing that back.  Maybe if you start now you can have it paid off for the 10 year anniversary?           Or

nothing says love like Dehydrated Emergency Survival Food .  You might want to put a bow on it, or maybe a Jaguar those totally have a way of classing things up.   xoxo ThePeachy1

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and there we have it, the Peachy standard, 3 emails one time a week on Tuesday.  So send yours in if you need non advice on anything.

xo

PEACH OUT

Also of note I have to Thank Oil Field Trash of ” Make Daddy a Sammich” for an award I got and of course Holly at ” MidWesternMamaH” for coming up with the brilliant and if you are reading this, YOUR award, that’s right people there is an award for you on the awards page you can see by clicking HERE.