Tell it Tuesday- My Non Advice Column

Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it. (now I rank for several other horrific things including “robin willimas man junk” and “justank beaver” I am so proud- click here and see.)

Yes you can sit at my table during lunch, because I love you no matter how sexy google thinks I am.

So if you send in your question, which you’re totally welcome to do, to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of baby cheeses know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.

I missed the last couple of Tell it Tuesday posts because we did Tuesday for Trevor, and it was awesome. He’s doing great and you people rock like a glass of vodka fun dip stirred with a twizzler. I thank you.

In the immortal words of Pink- ” Let’s get this party started”

*********************************************************
Dear The Peachy,
I’m a 24-year-old gal who just started a teaching career in September – 5th grade. God am I embarrassed! I challenged my kids to read and set a class goal. If it was met I’d have to do something goofy and most of the suggestions were too yucky – I would not eat insects, smear my hair with jam etc. We settled on me being duct taped. The goal was met, the day came, November 24th, 2;00 o’clock in the afternoon. The kids taped my hands behind my back, taped my legs and torso, sat me in my chair. Half hour. I even agreed to having my mouth taped if they agreed to be reasonably quiet. So there I sat, completely taped up (I’d never have been able to get loose by myself) with my class behaving A+. They read, chatted quietly, giggled. At two-thirty they teased me for a minute or two, then undid my bindings. All fine and off for Thanksgiving weekend.
Apparently several of the kids managed to take some photos of me. They showed them to me and I wasn’t initially concerned though I thought I looked goofy but soon the photos made their way around the school, on bulletin boards, even in the faculty room. I don’t want my colleagues or students to know how embarrassed I feel so I’ve just laughed it off BUT I feel mortified. I look like someone who’s being held for ransom. I feel like a chump. How do I ever regain my dignity?
Bound and Gagged

Dear Bound and Gagged- I FREAKING LOVE YOU !!!! At 24 you have managed to actually get the fact that learning should be fun. Not horrific floods of work sheets and total silence where only the teacher can speak/lecture. Elementary school should be an awesome place. YOU ARE MAKING IT THAT! If your Colleagues and possibly administration don’t slap you up in the hallowed halls of teacher famedom then they are idiots. If I could sneak my kid into your class I would be delighted, actually I would love to join your class too, but I fear my butt would get stuck in the seat and then the creepy janitor dude would have to come cut me out of the desk and since every kid age 4 and up has a cell phone they would post it all over facebook and youtube and undoubtedly they would video me from a horrible angle and only through text explanation would people even realize I was not actually a walrus stuck in a plastic 6 pack ring thing but indeed a female human stuck in a desk yeah, did I tell you that you rock. Own that, own your fantasticalness, own the fact that those kids will NEVER forget it. Even at their HS graduation. YOU DID THAT FOR THEM ! xo xo ThePeachy1

*****************************************

Dear ThePeachy1;
I am new at blogging and don’t have a clue what the hell I am doing. I write, I publish and then it sits. No one visits, people who follow me on twitter are mostly spam and that’s the only comments I get too. I know I am not supposed to blog for comments it’s supposed to be for myself. But isn’t blogging just for yourself kind of like dressing up sexy just for yourself? It seems like something that people say to sound holier than though,  but I can’t imagine very many popular bloggers who actually just write “for themselves”. I don’t want to seem like an attention seeking blog whore but how do you get people to follow you if you don’t want to be a spammer and shameless self promoter who alienates those around you.
signed,
All by myself

Dear All by myself- that is such an awesome song. I remember the time when I dressed in my best sexy underroos and danced for only myself to that song I loved me, I was awesome. Oh wait this isn’t about me or the song? Crap. Ok uhm.. I applaud your honesty that you do in fact want followers and readers and you are honest about it. I too hear the I write for me argument. But for some people it is true, or it starts out being true and then they get all bijigety for followers/comments, some of us ( like me) start out as an attention seeking blog whore. I don’t know the secret if I did I probably wouldn’t be answering this email but instead be sitting on a throne of gummy bears while I am served twizzlers by half naked super buff dudes on my own tropical island surrounded by people I like. But nearly everyone who “makes it” has a niche. Mommy/parenting, Crafts, Products, Music, Grief, Empowerment,coupons, recipes, photos, poetry, pets, career, something.  Then join a community for that.  Or some of us have nothing. For example me. I have nothing and so I am indeed my own shameless self promoter. Which is probably why I am changing my theme song to All by myself.  Also why did you not include your blog link or blog name in the email, that’s marketing 101?
xo ThePeachy1

*********************************************************

Dearest Peach My husband is a jackhole. We got married a week after we graduated High School because I was pregnant. 18 years later we have four kids. I have caught him in affair after affair and he runs our house like a dictator and has his priorities way out of whack. He has done well in his career because I handled EVERYTHING else for 18 years. Now I think I am ready to leave him. I don’t think he would care but with our youngest being 12 should I just stick it out till she is gone so they don’t have to deal with it? Help me
Miserably Married

Dear Miserably Married- 18 years? really? and did he just start being a jackhole or were you not noticing it much or more tolerant and have finally had your fill. men in relationships are like super glue. You got a millisecond to put them the way you want them and they are stuck like that forever. So I am guessing either you changed, or your toleration has. Either way, you can pretty much hang up changing him.  I seriously nearly peed laughing at your throught process that once your youngest turns 18 they wouldn’t have to deal with their parents divorce/split. Really?  What about their holidays, their marriages, their children, do you not think that it will continue to affect them as long as you are their parents?  But it’s not always a negative thing, especially if you guys can see eye to eye after the divorce/split. You can try counseling or talking or whatever, it may work, it make work for a little while or you may find out that he thinks you are the female version of Bob Cat Goldwaith with a whine/scream combo balanced way too close the edge of insanity. Either way you already know what you want, or you wouldn’t have written it like that. Staying together for the kids when the relationship works “sometimes” but only if the environment is good and all parties are happy within the environment. That just doesn’t sound like your situation to me. But since this is a NON Advice column I suggest you call homeland security anonymously and ask them if you should “hypothetically” be worried about a grown man running around shaving his thighs and buying lots of fertilizer and duct tape who has strong political beliefs. Key words, ” anonymously, ask and hypothetically”
Best of luck, only you know what you should do here. xoxo ThePeachy1

***********************************

That’s it my lovelies.. Take care and feel free to send in any questions you might need non advice for.  The general rule is 3 a week every Tuesday.   BEINGPEACHY@GMAIL.COM

xo

PEACH OUT