Hey there and welcome back to another edition of Moronic Monday. Where I hope that you are so distracted by my epically moronic stories from my past ( or present) and it gives you that little push to go forth and battle the dirty wench that is a Monday. I have a new found faith that you juicy warriors will kick Mondays ass this week and here is why.
First you must know some basic facts. I am a narcissistic wench. ( clearly if you were around for my birthday you know that). I own it, full on, I love me. My life is awesome. Why you ask? Because I am in it. Of course any trained mental health professional will let you know that I am probably an overt narcissist because I am actually some shy, scared little thing and being all in love with me has something to do with a scaring childhood memory. So they can kiss my fine freckled ass. I am a skittle shitting unicorn dancing on a double rainbow awesome. But in the interest of full journalistic disclosure you should know I am also a huge Moron and am actually kind of famous for being an epic asshat. I am cool with that, it’s hard to maintain and fully own this level of ubber sparkley jazz hands without owning the fact when I suck and fail, I suck and fail in epic proportions.
So when Holly at www.midwesternmamah.blogspot.com posted this on my facebook wall this weekend you can imagine the “it’s all about me” buffet I gorged myself on.
But it lead me to go over and check on the very first thing I was famous for on google to see if I was indeed still holding my own in the eyes of search engine gods.
Then I remember how around 5 months ago I was informed by a friend that I was also now famous for something so horrifying it nearly sent me to the liquor store.
Still? Really? No one else writes about this stuff? I am not actually proud of this one, in fact it makes me put my brain in a sink of bleach to soak.
So this kicked my ego into over drive to search and see what else I surely dominated in my own little twisted tiara wearing world.
Don't attempt to correct me google. But my daughter came up with this word. So I don't think it qualifies as ME ME ME ME ME. I better search more.
and that delicious amuse bouche sent me into what can only be described as a feeding frenzy.
So I tried to look up things that make me happy, like :
what about the entire fire crotch story? But look where it turns up.
I think it’s sort of misleading to get credit for a fire crotch immediately after a Brendan Fraser search because obviously they know WAY more than they should. Also the Fire Crotch story, totally not hot nor sexy but it does contain interpretive dance.
wait what about some of my more famous original verbiage?
or
it’s just about time to push my self away from the table and stop pushing my luck with google, but first…
I was a tad shocked that I didn’t show up on the front page at all for the following searches.
supreme ruler of the universe
queen of all that is good
best ever zombie killer
or by far the most baffling mistake of all that google is making.. I DO NOT APPEAR ON THE FIRST PAGE FOR :
skittle shitting unicorn dancing on a double rainbow
I am not sure if I should be proud or embarrassed by these findings. I am quite sure that I should be embarrassed I turned them into a post to feed my own inner beast. But you know what? We all need extra armor on Monday and today I am going to see yet another new wizard behind a curtain in Oz. So consider this my just beefing up my defenses in case I run into some flying monkeys along the way.
Go forth my lovily juicy fruits and if you are confronted with the heckling of a Monday just know. I love you and you can totally sit at my table for lunch. Then make a shiv out of soap and shank Monday in the hoo haa.