Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it. (now I rank for “robin willimas man junk” I am so proud.) Yes you can sit at my table during lunch, because I love you.
So if you send in your question, which you’re totally welcome to do, to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of baby cheeses know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness
Dear Being Peachy;
I went to church yesterday and I’m not sure it’s the right place for me. Everyone was really nice and everything but it felt weird. I mean, they didn’t talk about rapture or hell, fire OR brimstone. There was no talk about being a submissive wife to my husband and there were no snakes in the cafetorium where we met. Is this a real church or did I go to some sort of weird brainwashing cult?
Signed,
Cafatorium Cults
Dear Cafatorium Cults- I am probably not the person to go to for religious advice. However let me clear up a couple things. A church ( even those in cafatoriums or gymterias ) should make you feel good, want to come back, have an overwhelming awesome feeling. I have to give them bonus points for not throwing rapture, woman duties or snakes at you. This leads me to believe that even if they are a cult they are not the kind that will marry off kids at 11 years old. I could be wrong. Since it was in a cafatorium did they at least serve food? Did they use the bible or a menu? My theology is rusty but doesn’t worship/church consist of more than 1 person being together in the name of God? Or something like that, which I guess makes it a church, but the cafatorium thing? Is it even legal to have church on school property? Good luck- xo ThePeachy1
Dearest ThePeachy1- I have a dilemma I have been dating this super great, wonderful, brilliant, hard working considerate romantic guy. He’s handsome and honestly the best guy I have ever met. The problem is in the bedroom. He is “lacking” in the man junk department and then he is not that great with using what he has. I care a lot about him, and if that one area was fixed I could honestly see spending the rest of my life with him. What do I do?
Thanks,
Size Does Matter
Dear Size Does Matter- wow. well the guy sounds awesome all the way around except in his crotch. So I wonder if he excels in all those other things in spite of or because of the “size issue”. Either way let me just explain this. There is a helluva lot more to sexy time than size. Indeed you can ” spiff” up your lady cave with Kegels thus helping make the size issues somewhat lessor. There is little he can do other than trying some of the spam I get daily for ” changing sizes”. Which probably wont work or he would grow a Unicorn horn on his forehead. Healthy sex is an important part of any relationship ( in the beginning) I added the ( in the beginning) because trust me my dear it will become extremely less important in your life as you get older, and the friendship, romance, compatibility will take presidence. But if you;re the raging whore who would cheat on him because of his winky size, I ask you quietly move on and away prior to damaging one of the rare good guys out there. xo-ThePeachy
Peaches-
I am so sick of everyone complaining and whining on Facebook, twitter and blogs. I want to choke them through my computer screen. Everyone is so busy complaining no one lives and enjoys life. Where do they find the time to sit on the internet all day and moan?
signed
Over It
Dear Over It- You do realize that you read my blog and sent in a question via email? Where do you find time to rant about people complaining. Probably the same place as the others. But honestly I do know how you feel but recently I discovered the solution. There’s a super secret X in the upper right hand corner of everything you do. If you see stuff that drives you nuts, you can hit that little X and BAM they are gone. Or if you want to practice what you preach ( or what is making you sick) You can simply not log on to blogs or facebook, and go out and live your life. xo – ThePeachy1
That’s it my lovelies.. Take care and feel free to send in any questions you might need non advice for. The general rule is 3 a week every Tuesday. BEINGPEACHY@GMAIL.COM
Great advice!! Err ummm.. non advice *winks*
Oh lordy. Why does size always matter when they say it doesn’t? IF size don’t matter (which it DOES) then why do they sell such HUGE damn dildos in proportions that no human male has? lol
@Holly- clearly I am not a professional. LOL hence the NON advice 🙂
@Justin – I have NO CLUE why they sell HUGE things. I can only suspect that it is so a bunch of cops you work with can buy a very huge one and give it to you at work in front of everyone and you will be left embarrassed and trying to figure out how to properly dispose of said OBVIOUSLY NOT FOR HUMAN USE type item.
Cops? When did I start working with cops? lol
sorry Justin I guess I never really got over that event. I had to drag that thing around on 3 moves because I had no clue how to dispose of it.
Dear Cafatorium Cults – If they offer you Kool-Aid, just say no.
Dear Size Does Matter – You’re right. People who say size doesn’t matter are lying. However, if you don’t have the right size tool for the job, you have to figure out how to get the job done with the tool you do have. At the same time, he’s not the only one in this equation. If things aren’t so great for you in the bedroom, for the love of god, give the man some pointers!
Dear Over It – I Don’t Really Care, is that you?? Excuse me, I have to jump over to FB and post pics of my dog in hsi Halloween custome and bitch about how some people have nothing better to do than bitch about other people having nothing better to do…
Justin, size matters. A LOT.
I know the dildo story Peachy is talking about… holy shit redhead!! That was funny stuff!
I’m thinking “no drinky the kool-aid” is also good advice for the cafetorium cult. Of course, a lot of churches here meet in schools, so I am guessing it’s legal or whatever.
Well I guess I am going to be sexless and single for the balance of my life then because the size of my wallet is small.
LOL- I have the best readers and friends in blog world. HANDS DOWN. I lurve y’all like cheesecake.
Just don’t love us too much because too much cheesecake will give you gas.
I will eat Beano by the truckloads because I love you guys that much.
Justin, everything gives you gas.
Peachy, I’m so honored that you would down some beano just for the love.
I’ll do a lot of things for love but, like meatloaf, I won’t do that.
Well, maybe.
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Wait! What? Sex slows down? Okay, seriously, I have been married for 17 years and sex is still very important. All the Kegels in the world do NOT make someone better at using a small winky. It’s not the size, it’s the skill.
DO NOT DRINK THE KOOLAID….best.advice.ever.
Really? You sent a letter complaining about people complaining? THAT is passive/aggressive behavior at it’s very finest!
I adore your non-advice columns!!!