Tell it Tuesday My Non Advice Column

Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it, I have been 3 and 4 for over 4 months. So proud.

But of course Jenny ( the bloggess)  got ranked number 4 for “mother f&*ker  last week so that stole my thunder ( sniff, sniff, again…)

So if you send in your question, which you’re totally welcome to do,  to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of baby cheeses know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.

Dear ThePeachy1-

I am a blogger.  I have been for a little over 2 years, but who’s counting right?  The problem is.  I never get comments, no matter my topic.  I am not edgy and potty mouthed, is that what it takes to be famous?

signed,
Writing to myself

Dear Writing to Myself-   Holy shit you think I am famous?  Hell yeah you have to sell your soul like that old George Foreman grill at a yard sale and cuss like a sunker drailer and  be as edgy as that pointy stick at the dentist.   OK that’s a lie.  Honestly.  People blog for all reasons, some need a place to vent, some have areas of special interest,  some have a heart wrenching story, some are professionals, some are political, and some are just down right boring as hell because honestly reading about your ability to make a tutu for your dog out of recycled toilet paper tubes  is eye stabbing material enough on Facebook or twitter let alone on a blog.   Since I am so famous ( and not a real journalist) I didn’t check out your blog yet.  Also, that would be like real work, and then I would have to label you and I am anti label anti brand, and  like my ac filter, I have no plans on changing that.  Also this isn’t a real advice column and I am not going to mislead people by writing anything that could actually be construed as advice. So if you are writing for you, then just do it. If you’re writing for followers and comments, I can’t help you, if I could I would  actually be famous.  XO  ThePeachy1

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Dearest Peaches-

I have had the worst luck.  The second serious relationship in a row has crumbled.  My dog  needs hip replacement surgery and I again got passed over for a promotion.  To make matters worse someone backed into my new Volvo and then just drove off.  I don’t want to sound whiney but really, could it get any worse?

your advice is appreciated,
Down and Out

Dear Down and Out-  First rule of survivor club is NEVER say, ” could it get any worse”.  The answer is ALWAYS YES !   You could have actually lost your job instead of being passed over.  Someone could have backed over your dog and you could be driving a pinto instead of a Volvo. A relationship with one of those people could have worked out and they could have been a serial killer that makes human lamp shades.  So eat some ice cream, drink some wine, write a poem or whatever.  But if you are trying to write a country song try making yourself sound a little more like the rest of us.  Otherwise I would strongly suggest you stop looking in toilets for relationships.  The only thing there is poop, and YOU DRIVE A VOLVO?   I got nothing for ya.  Sorry    xoxo   ThePeachy1

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My Dear Peaches,

Please help. My daughter is 12 and since she went back to school this week our phone has rang off the hook. It’s boy’s. They call during dinner and they call past 10:00 pm.  Always boy’s. She doesn’t have a cell phone since I don’t think she needs one until she starts driving and or working. She is furious at me because I answer the phone, and if it’s dinner, or homework or after 8:30pm I explain we are busy or that it’s too late and they should try again at a more appropriate time.  She is so mad at me and calls me old fashioned.  I don’t want her to hate me or rebel against me or my rules but honestly is there no level of courtesy or respect in the world.

Sincerly,
Out of Touch Momma

Dear Out of Touch Momma-  You are my new hero of the day.  You aren’t out of touch, you’re in it, totally in it, and you’re in it to win it.  I am so proud you don’t think your 12 year old needs a cell phone and that certain times ( especially late at night) calls are not allowed.  STICK TO YOUR GUNS.  Remember, it’s never too early to make your kids start hating you and or your rules.  This allows them to want to get jobs, save money and move out.  Also my husband used to answer the phone when boys would call for our daughter in high school and say, ”  what do you want to speak to my daughter about son?”  They usually hyperventilated or hung up.  Was she embarrassed? Of course.  That’s your job as a parent, not to be a friend but to be the source of embarrassment to your child.  If they don’t come directly out and straight to your car after a school dance, make sure to be prepared like me.  I would warn them to follow the rules, if they didn’t. I would walk myself into the school dance, in a huge terry cloth robe, curlers in hair, cream on face, and yell, ”  Hey baby girl?  Momma’s here, hurry up,   Granddad is waiting on us and by the smell of it we will need to bathe him so come on quick.”   I can not tell you how effective this is.  Honestly my friends would ask me to take their kids to the school dances because they heard of my no holds barred style of parenting.  Hang in there, and remember, you will be the stupidest  person your child has ever met from age 12 until the day they become parents.  It is worth every second. Best of Luck xoxo ThePeachy1

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That’s it for this week people.  Please send in your questions even if they are crazy because I have around 50 I am avoiding answering because I can not find a nice way to tell them they are idiots.

PS- if you sent in your question I am not saying you’re the idiot who I am avoiding, but there is about a 1 in 50 chance.

XO

PEACH OUT