Tell it Tuesday- The Non Advice Column

*SPECIAL NOTICE*  I would really like to thank my internet provider for going down last night while I was attempting to publish this post for today. But they went above and beyond their duty by staying down for 12 hours.  Obviously they are super Jedi Ninjas and deserve  my money. Sorry for the late posting..

Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it, I have been 3 and 4 for over 5 weeks.. So proud.  So if you send in your question, which you’re totally welcome to do,  to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of baby cheeses know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.

Proud to announce I am featured over on OverThinkingMama today
for her TellAllTuesday interview.

Dear Peachy,

My 13 year old did not get on the football team. This is the first year the try outs actually eliminated people. He has played since he was 7. Try outs were usually just to pick a team. My husband and I are so upset I am thinking of filing a complaint with the school board. He wasn’t ever the best player, but he wasn’t the worst all those years either. Should we get a lawyer before we go to the school board.
singed,
Ticked off and sad

Dear Ticked off and sad- are you an idiot? seriously? read what you sent me. “try out” and word “cut” came from you. Obviously your kid wasn’t the worst when they let every kid play but when it came time to select the few who were really good your kid didn’t make it. Also notice you said, “you and your husband were upset”. You didn’t mention how your kid felt. Lawyer? School Board? WTF is wrong with you. I am sure your kid is really good at something but football may not be his thing or maybe just not this year, find out what he likes and help him suceed at that.  If EVERY kid does everything they want ( or their parents want) then they think they are entitled to things and deserve things. You don’t need a lawyer you need a shrink, it’s nutbag cornholios who are turning this countries future adults into spoiled precious snowflakes. If you can’t pass the grade, FAIL. If you can’t succeed at a sport, you don’t make the team. This is what teaches them that if they suck and fail they wont be a rich CEO, makes them accept reality and strive harder or learn how to drop fries for a living.
ThePeachy1

Dearest ThePeachy1:

My life is really great, I have 2 great kids, a dog, a gorgeous house and a brand new car.  The downside is I have a cheating husband. He’s handsome and smart and has an great career that affords us all the wonderful things that I mentioned.  He even took one of his girlfriends to a corporate function and introduced her as me, even though everyone he works with knows me and knew it wasn’t me no one confronted him, instead a couple of the other wives sent me text messages and pictures of him with her.  I don’t want to give up our good life and tear the kids apart.  I don’t want to go back to work and frankly I don’t care if he cheats as long as he is discreet.  But now I am embarrassed because everyone at his work had it thrown in their face. I have no clue what to do.

thank you,
Embarassed Wife

Dear Embarassed Wife-   Why would you be embarassed you didn’t do it, he did, and now everyone he works with knows what a shitard he is. I noticed that you pointed out all the financial gains you have from your marriage and in your own words said life is “really great” .   You also point out you don’t care except you’re embarrassed because other people know.  The only advice I can  give you is a line from my Grandma. “Pick your bed and lie in it.”  My addition to that is, and ” if you don’t like it change the sheets or get a new bed.”  If you can live in that type of marriage because the pro’s far outweigh the cons then it’s your choice. You could lay out rules for him.  If you can’t deal with it and start feeling a bit stabby ( like most women I know)  DO NOT hire a hitman, (they will totally roll over on you),  however you can take those pics and those witness statements and hire your self a really nice upper class lawyer just like you and take him to the cleaners and keep all the wonderful things you love so much. Including his nuts if your lawyer is really good. If you are really happy with your life and don’t want to change it, explain to the other wives that you allowed him to take this girl to the event because it was payback for the week you are about to spend in Jamica with that hot tight cabana boy.
ThePeachy1

Peaches;

Please help me out.  I just got arrested for my 6th DUI.   I am not an alcoholic. I have a great lawyer that got 4 of them dismissed to a lessor charge. The problem is I can not afford him and my parents and friends wont help me with the cost anymore.  I do not want to lose my car or my license because I like to travel.  My only option is a loan and I have a friend who said they will co-sign because he was out partying with me 2 of the times I got popped.  But it wouldn’t let me hire the same lawyer so I don’t know if I could kick the wrap.

Traveling Man

Traveling Man-  you can not say 6th DUI and not an alcoholic in the same damn sentence. You need to suck on a bottle of reality and I think jail might be your best cure.  I am so pissed at your Astouding Asstardedness right now I can barely type. Pack your bags traveling man I hope your journey is long.  Go to rehab go to jail, whatever just stay off the roads before you hurt somebody. Sell your car and buy a bicycle then you can only hurt yourself and some shrubbery, after you get out of jail.
The Peachy1

That’s it for today folks 3  answers to 3 emails that’s the drill.  Remember if you want my non advice please send in your questions to  beingpeachy@gmail.com

You might not want to write me looking for pity or a cure for your own stupidity.  this is an advice column not a magic wand. I ain’t your fairy godmother.

PEACH OUT

If you are all done here why don’t you hop over and check out  my interview on

OverthinkingMama