Non Advice Tell It Tuesday

Dear Couch Sleeper,

WTF Dude? Were you dropped on your head as a child or were you recently hit by lightening? You never .. and I mean never tell your woman she looks fat. I don’t care if she is the size of the broad side of a barn. You lie like a rug. Tell her she looks great. Now that the deed is done, the only thing left for you to do is grovel and kiss some major big ass. Invest in knee pads because you’re going to be crawling on those knees of yours for a while, and stock up on K-Y or hand lotion.. you’re going to be humping your fist for months over this one.

Sucks to be you –

Mama H

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Dear Fed Up,

Face it, your parents hate you. They are getting you back for being such an awful child and a disappointing adult.  The way I see it, you have only a couple of choices. Feed your kids lots of sugar and soda then turn them loose on your parents for the afternoon then collect said destructive toys when your kids bring them home.. and burn them.  Yes the kids will cry, but they may as well suck it up now and learn the world isn’t all rainbows, glitter and unicorns. It’ll make ’em tough. Of course this isn’t going to make up for the contempt your parents  feel for you, that ship has sailed. But, if you really want the grands to go away and eliminate the whole crying kids shit, you could just turn them into Homeland Security for “suspicious acts” no fuss.. no muss.

Good Luck Looser –

Mama H

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Dear Nymph-

Of course darling, its perfectly normal. I do it all the time, and there is nothing wrong with me. Its even better if you involve boxed wine.

Sing-Dance-Be Merry … just don’t do it when your neighbors are having a cook out. Trust me when I say the cops wont let you get dressed before they cuff you and take you in.

Good Luck my little private dancer –

Mama H