Tell it Tuesday

So here we are with the  second edition of Tell It Tuesday. (cue applause light now)

In some dumbass brilliant flash of light I decided a week or so ago  ago I should offer advice on here every Tuesday in my new Feature “Tell it Tuesday”.  Since I get a couple emails asking for it I figured why not.  Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says).   Except last week I found out I was ranked number 3 in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness”   (Not making this up the link to the screenshot is right here. ) So if you send in your question, which your totally welcome to do, to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of Christ on a Bike know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”. Take it or leave it, but please go ahead and send in your questions your real name and email will never be posted. Send your questions to beingpeachy@gmail.com  I got some really great email but I just couldn’t answer some of them without proper vodka incentive, here are the ones I could take on sober this week.

And awaaaay we go.

TELL IT TUESDAY- A NON ADVICE COLUMN

HI Peachy,

I live in a noxious home. Between my husband, my two boys and the 3 dogs. There is always a strong stank of fart in my home. I know it’s in the carpets and drape and furniture. No amount of febreeze or plug ins will help. Any advice?

signed,
Stinkage Sufferer

Dear Stinkage Sufferer,    I have a black lab that every winter lays with her butt toward the fireplace prompting me to sit nearby holding my breath and a fire extinguisher. I am sure her farts will shoot her projectile  style across the family room when the chimney finally ignites them. I can not even imagine 3 humans and 2 dogs STANKING up the place.  Do you feed them a lot of brussle sprouts and beans? Or any other fart famous food?  You ruled out everything I can think of you can legally do oh wait I have it here’s a couple of ideas and you could make a profit on the side.   #1 Buy stock in bean-o.  #2 Buy actual Bean-o in bulk ( or if your a blogger you could get them as a sponsor?).  Make them take it daily like vitamins in fact you painstakingly carve/shape them like Flinstones and use food coloring to convince them.  Then you should also probably crush up some and add them to every meal.   You might also want to consider purchasing one of these.

Best wishes… Peachy1

Dear ThePeachy1,

I need a great recipe for a pound cake. I have a big family function coming up and if I can pull off a fantastic pound cake they will finally take me and my cooking skills serious.

please help,
Great Chef in the Making

Dear Great Chef in the Making,  uhm I think you have me confused with June Cleaver or any of the other Cleaveresc type bloggers out there.  I own an oven.  I can in desperation or depression kick out some mad bakery skills. But I have never used a recipe in my life.   So I have these instructions for you.  Go to the Grocery store. Buy a Sara Lee Pound Cake.  take it home and dump it on your platter, then lay strawberries around it or something fancy that goes with pound cake other than a fork( my only pound cake accessory is a fork).  If someone at the party asks for the recipe you could be found out.  So go ahead and google crappy pound cake recipes.  Then when you find a really bad one,  you need to add an extra cup of salt or baked beans,  then hand write it on an index card and give it to them.  They will never be able to produce the delish  Sara Lee Pound cake from the craptastic recipe you gave them and thus your status as awesome baker will be vaulted to the top.   You can do this with almost anything but always dispose of the evidence like it’s a CIA mission. Or you will be busted.   Good luck. ( PS- being taken seriously by your family is WAY over rated. don’t try so hard. )ThePeachy1

Dear Peach;

My nieghbors are insane.  They have 8 cars in their yard in addition to a boat and a camper.  They are loud and always half dressed.  I want them OUT but we don’t have a HOA.  Any advice?

Thanks,
Wanting them Gone

beano, epic asshattedness, farting dogs, farting husbands, farting sons, gas masks, house boats, june cleaver, neighbors, pound cake, recipes, rednecks, weddings, yard sales